


Photographs and Memories

by Twilightmom505



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer, tw - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-26
Updated: 2013-01-01
Packaged: 2017-11-10 18:28:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 43,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469332
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twilightmom505/pseuds/Twilightmom505
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It seemed like another lifetime. The girl and boy staring up at me from the glossy paper, that held an image that I didn't need to be reminded of; it was imbedded in my memory, branded in my mind's eye for eternity. Reminding me of what could have been; what should have been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Memory Lane

**Author's Note:**

> I own nothing. Seriously, I have two kids that suck up all my time and money so I really, really wish I owned Twilight but such is life. I’m just grateful to have this fandom to play in.
> 
> First and foremost, I’d like to say thank you to Sunflower Fanfiction, my Beta who makes this readable and Robspantsfiddler for prereading! 
> 
>  
> 
> This is my contribution for the Fandom for No Kid Hungry. DreamsoftheEndless asked me and I was so flattered I couldn’t say no!!! I make no promises for this story, so if angst isn’t your thing, I would bow out now but I would love it if you stuck around and let me know what you think. 
> 
> I’m working on chapter 2 now and hope to post once a week. I’m shooting for Monday, but remember those 2 kids that suck up money and time? Well yeah, I promise to try hard though!

Photographs and Memories

 

The sun was setting as I pulled into the sleepy little town I had once called home. The orange hues painting the horizon signaled an end: not only to the day, but also to what was left of my life here. This wasn’t the first end I’d experienced in this town. And even though this time I was coming home to bury my father, it was definitely not the most painful. I hadn’t been home to visit him since Christmas, almost 8 months ago. Coming back was just too hard for me and now I regretted not being brave enough to face the demons I had created. I could have been here for him more, had I just accepted that the past would never go away; that I would always be haunted by memories.

I slowly make my way down the long, winding drive and pull up in front of the house. I take a deep breath and steel myself for the onslaught I was sure to face when I reached the door. I knew my sister would be here. She had been Dad’s caretaker for the last few years. We were once close, our lives joined forever by birth, but those ties strengthened through our choice in soul mates. We fell in love with each other’s best friend. But that was before I selfishly ruined it all. We still spoke every now and then, superficial conversations really, nothing ever meaningful. She married her high school sweetheart, my former best friend and her cousin, Jasper, a few years back, but I didn’t attend. Of course, that was because I wasn’t invited, so I never had to make the decision that would have gutted me as sure as I stand here today. I’m not sure whose feelings they were trying to spare by excluding me: mine or hers, but since I was the bad guy, I’m sure it wasn’t mine.

When Alice called to tell me about my dad, she told me on the phone that she would be selling the house, so I should plan on taking anything I wanted back home with me. When you’re young, you never think about your home not being home anymore. It’s always a place of salvation, where you are safe from the world, the pain. And now, here I am, facing the fact that this would be the last time it was “home.” But then again, it hadn’t been my salvation for a long time. 

Finally making my way up the porch steps, I took another deep breath. Before I could raise my hand to the door, it flung open and Alice was in my arms. I wasn’t surprised. Alice lost Dad too, and she had been there over the years when I wasn’t. She was grieving and knew I was the only one who could understand how she felt today. 

“Edward,” Alice said through her tears, “I’m so glad you’re here. I just can’t do this alone.”

“I would never let you,” I declared as I looked into her eyes, hoping she could see the truth there. “I know I haven’t been the best brother, Alice, but I swear I’m here for you.”

“I know, Edward, I know.” Alice acknowledged and I knew she was talking about more than my minimal involvement with her and our family over the last few years. 

We pulled apart from our embrace, albeit tentatively, and an uncomfortable silence took over as we walked into the house. Alice excused herself as Jasper walked into the living room and the tension increased to a level I didn’t think was possible in this house.... in my childhood home, with my childhood friend. But that friendship ended the same day....that fateful day I told her that she didn’t fit into my dreams anymore; the day that I will spend the rest of my life regretting.

“Edward.” Jasper said, acknowledging my presence. 

“Jasper.” I returned the acknowledgement. “Good to see you, man. It’s been too long.” 

And it had been too long, for me anyway. I’m sure it wasn’t long enough for him. 

“It has been a while,” he started, “but I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it’s been too long,” he finished, confirming my suspicions. 

“Understood, man.” What else could I say? I did understand. I did the unthinkable, the one thing that no one would ever forgive me for, I broke her heart. No one cared that I broke my own heart as well, but why should they? I did this all on my own. But God only knows what I was thinking on that day. I was too young and stupid to realize what I was doing. 

There was a lot to do to get the house ready for sale, and right now, the silence in the room was too much for me to bear. “Well, I guess I better get to work. I only have a few days before I have to fly back to Chicago.” I said as I left the room. I never called it my home because, despite my thoughts in the beginning, Chicago never felt like home and probably never would.

Jasper just grunted as I turned and headed up the stairs toward my room. Mentioning Chicago wasn’t the best of idea, since he blamed my decision to move there on everything, and he was dead right. 

They say hindsight is 20/20 and with the benefit of that vision, I curse the day Northwestern offered me the fellowship. I had wanted to be a doctor from my earliest memories, but when my mom died of cervical cancer when I was 14, it permanently set me on my path. And that path became an obsession: to be the best Gynecologist. Not the best I could be, but the best out there, period. I wanted to find answers, to keep other kids from losing their moms when they needed them most. My friends used to tease me, saying it was just so I’d be able to look at pussy every day. But the truth is Gynecology is so much more than performing cervical exams. So the day I received the letter from Northwestern offering me a spot in their prestigious fellowship program, I was over the moon. They had one of the best women’s' health programs in the country. This was the key to my becoming the best. This is what I had worked my ass off for. 

Once I made it to my room, I began to go through the closet. There wasn’t much left but I knew I wouldn’t be able to part with the memories I kept stored here all these years. I pulled out old yearbooks first, set them on my bed and went back to grab another box. I moved a couple more boxes that held old trophies and such, and that’s when I saw it. The box, the old banker’s box that held the part of my old life I’d spent years trying to forget. I tried to forget about it all, to forget about her, about him, but was never successful. The bittersweet memories always lurked just behind the carefully constructed façade of my perfect life. 

Taking a deep breath, I lifted the lid. The movement was slow, too slow, like I was afraid of what was in the box, afraid it would hurt me. Truthfully, I knew it would, it wouldn’t bite me like a snake. And the wounds it would open had more power to destroy me, than a black Mamba ready to attack. 

Once I set the lid next to me, I looked in and my breath left me in a rush. I was faced with what seemed like another lifetime. The girl and boy staring up at me from the glossy paper held an image that I didn’t need to be reminded of, because it was imbedded in my memory, branded in my mind’s eye for eternity. Reminding me of what could have been, what should have been. It was our wedding picture, still the second happiest day of my existence. 

Bella was beautiful that day. Happiness radiated off of her, off of both of us. The joy we felt when we defied everyone and ran off and got married was obvious in the way we were grinning at the camera. It was a simple photo, taken by the clerk of the judge that married us. As soon as he pronounced us Mr. and Mrs. Edward Masen, he took that shot. Our parents thought we were ridiculous when we told them we wanted to get married before we went to college. We were going off to Stanford in a few months and we didn’t want to live apart. Stanford offered special housing for married students and since Bella was on scholarship, she insisted on living on campus since her half would be paid for. It meant fewer expenses for me and my parents. Since our parents gave us such a hard time about it, we eloped. We couldn’t have been happier about it and our dads couldn’t have been more pissed, especially Bella’s dad, Charlie. When the rumors of Bella being pregnant started, he was even more livid than before. Bella and I just ignored them. While we definitely could have been pregnant, we weren’t. We didn't even argue with the speculation, because time would show the rest of Forks that they were wrong.

I smiled through the tears as I remember every detail. There has never been, or will ever be, another day that comes close to bringing me the joy I felt on that day. My Bella, my wife, how I loved her then and how I still love her now. 

I set that picture aside and move on to another stack that I am sure will be just as torturous. I slowly gaze over picture after picture of Bella and me throughout the years. The one my dad took of me before I went to pick up Bella for our first date. I was standing by my car holding a bouquet of wildflowers I had picked myself and I looked all kinds of nervous. I remember dad laughing at me telling me if I didn’t calm down, Charlie wouldn’t let her get in the car with me. Like that was going to calm my nerves. The man was a cop – I didn’t need them making it worse. I will give Charlie credit, even knowing what teenaged boys wanted to do to his daughter; he was gracious enough to let me date Bella. He said he saw how perfect we were and would always be. I will never forget the look of hatred on his face the day we walked out of Bella’s attorney’s office after we had signed the final divorce papers. I wanted to be a coward and just deal with our separate lawyers, but Bella insisted on me 'manning' up. She wanted me to be looking her in the eyes when I ended our life together. I think she thought, or hoped, I wouldn’t be able to sign them. Once again, I let her down. 

The rest of the pictures chronicled our life together, as short as it was. Four years at Stanford, where we completed our undergraduate work: Me in premed, Bella in secondary Education. When I was accepted at the Med School at Stanford, Bella went on to get her Master’s in English and then went to work as an English Teacher at a local high school while I finished Med school. Eight years of hard work and living in California were coming to an end and we were heading to Seattle for my residency. Another couple of years and I’d be able to start specializing, and we’d look at starting a family. All of the happiness we once shared was reflected in those glossy prints. 

Then I came across the piece of paper that destroyed that happiness. We had been married ten and half years and Bella wanted to have a baby. She had just turned 29 and really wanted to be a mom before she hit 30. I wasn’t ready to be a father, and I was looking at fellowship opportunities around the country; having a pregnant wife would hinder that. I shuttered when I remember the day the letter from Northwestern arrived. Bella was so happy for me that she didn’t even remember to shut the front door when she left the house to bring me the letter at the hospital. I was elated. We were dancing around the on-call room chanting ‘we’re going to Chicago’ over and over.

We celebrated that night by going out to dinner. Bella loved a glass of wine with dinner so when she passed on it, I was concerned. I asked her if she was feeling okay. Her response caused me to go from being elated about the fellowship, to being livid with her. She was late, and I didn’t hide my feelings very well. She quickly went on to explain how she knew it wasn’t optimal timing but she knew that together, we could do anything. I just glared at her. When I finally spoke, it was with venom. I told her that I knew she got pregnant on purpose and I would never forgive her. I didn’t say another word; I just stood up and walked away leaving her in the restaurant. How dare she fuck with my lifelong dream! 

I spent the night getting blind drunk and going over everything. Alcohol and my selfish attitude convinced me that I didn’t think I needed to be tied down anymore. I knew that to reach my career goals, I’d have to be married to the hospital, and I didn’t need a wife and child at home keeping me down. I needed to focus on what was important, on reaching my goals, of being the best.

I never returned home after that. I called her and told her she wasn’t a part of my future plans, served her with divorce papers, terminated my parental rights, and left Seattle within 6 months. I saw her for the last time in the attorney’s office the day I left, nearly 6 years ago. I had never seen my son in person. But I knew he was beautiful, Dad used to send me pictures all the time. His name is Cole Anthony Masen-Swan, they call him Cam, and he is the spitting image of his sperm donor. 

I suddenly realized that I would probably never see another picture of Cam again. There was no way Alice would send me one. Dad never said a lot about him, but thought I’d like to know he was well, growing up happy and loved. Even though I disappeared from his life, my family didn’t. He had his Aunt Alice and Papa Edward to love him in my absence. I’m sure his Momma and Papa Charlie doted on that little boy like no other. Those pictures weren’t in here; those pictures were in a box in Chicago. While I couldn’t display pictures of my son, since he wasn’t legally my son, I kept all but a few hidden from view. I did have one or two of him around my condo, but everyone thought he was my nephew. I opened my wallet to see the most recent one. It was a picture of him sitting on my dad’s lap taken about month ago. No one bothered to tell me my dad was dying, but I figured Bella had brought Cam to see him one last time, since they all knew the end was near.

“Uh em.” I heard a throat clearing, attempting to get my attention. I looked up and there was Alice.

“Are you alright, Edward?” She asked, even though the answer had to be obvious as the tears streaming down my cheeks gave the answer I couldn’t voice. 

How I ever thought my career could ever be more important that my wife, I’ll never know. I worked hard to be the best and am proudly the most sought after Gynecologist in the country. But my life is empty. Sure, I have a few friends who understand my schedule and don’t get pissed when I cancel our golf outings. I even have a girlfriend that knows and accepts that there would never be more than companionship and sex. Emily. Emily is a beautiful woman; tall, model thin with deep mahogany locks that she typically wears cascading over her beautifully tanned shoulders. She is also a hellcat in bed. The woman knows how to fuck. Physically, the relationship is very gratifying. She’s smart, owns her own business and can carry on an intelligent conversation. She’s the perfect date to take to fundraisers and events. Any man would feel lucky to call her his girlfriend or wife, but to me, she’s second best and always will be. 

I nodded to Alice letting her know I was fine. No, I wasn’t really fine but that was my own damn fault and I’m sure she wouldn’t hesitate to remind me of that. 

“We need to leave to go to the funeral home in an hour,” Alice said quietly. “The viewing starts at 6:00 and we need to get Dad’s suit over there so they can get him ready.” Tears were falling from Alice’s green eyes. 

I nodded again and while I wanted nothing more than to comfort my sister; I was unsure how the gesture would be received, so I just sat there and stared back down into my past. 

“They’ll be there tonight, Edward.” Alice stated calmly, too calmly actually, as she glanced at the picture I didn’t even realize was still in my hand. 

I stopped breathing and my heart felt like it was beating double time. I knew that they would be around, but I wasn’t ready for this. I couldn’t face them, not now. This was too much for my heart to bear. I lost my father and would be saying goodbye to him for the last tonight. And at the same time I would be made to face the two people I said goodbye to years earlier, when I never should have. My two worlds were colliding, and I didn't know how to manage.

Alice cleared her throat and continued. “You need to realize that Bella and Cam have a wonderful life now and they do not need you interfering in it.” Her eyes were hard and serious and I was more than a little afraid of my sister at this moment. 

‘She’s engaged, Edward.” She paused to gauge my reaction and was not disappointed when I felt the blood drain from my face and my eyes went wide in shock. I don’t know why I was surprised. Bella was a beautiful woman inside and out, and any man would have known what a catch she was. “Benji is adopting Cam when they get married,” she continued cautiously. I sucked in my breath and the tears began to flow freely again. I knew I fucked up 6 years ago when I let her go. No, I didn’t let her go. I pushed her away and told her to find someone else whose life she could fuck up. 

I thought I had experienced pain over the years thinking about her and my son. Thinking about what I had given up to live some fucked up version of a life I thought I wanted more than anything, more than them but until that moment, I had no idea how bad pain could be. I’d gladly be burned alive at the stake because I knew that wouldn’t cause a fraction of the pain that ripped through my body when Alice spoke those words. I was sobbing now and it didn’t feel like I would ever be able to stop.

“Edward, you need to pull yourself together. I understand that this is a tough day for you but that pain is all on you, and I will not stand by and let you continue to be selfish and make this day harder on the rest of us than it already is.” 

I nodded knowing Alice was right. 

I stood up and wiped my eyes on my shirt sleeve. “I’ll just take a quick shower and pull myself together, Alice.” 

She nodded and turned to leave.

“Alice,” I said quietly, “I’m so sorry. You will never know just how sorry I am.”

She stopped, turned around and looked up at me with tears in her eyes. She stood there for a few moments but never said a word. Finally she turned around and walked slowly out of the door. 

I didn’t try to stop the tears from falling. 

An hour later I had showered and pulled myself together as best as I could and walked down the stairs.

*******  
Crawley’s Funeral Home was the only one in town and was family owned and operated. I had gone to high school with Tyler and while we were never good friends, we ran in the same circles. He greeted the three of us when we arrived and took the black suit and new white shirt Alice had purchased. Dad had always looked debonair in black, and Alice wouldn’t let anyone see him for the last time without him appearing as perfect as he was in life. 

After Tyler delivered the suit to whoever would be dressing Dad, he came back out to go over the schedule for today and the service in the morning. 

Reaching out to shake my hand, Tyler greeted me again. “Edward, it’s good to see you again but I’m sorry it’s under such sad circumstances.” Sounding every bit the professional he was. It sounded strange to me because the Tyler I knew partied hard when we were growing up. 

“Thanks Ty, It’s good to see you as well.” My voice was shaky. “How’s life been treating you?” I asked with sincerely.

“Life’s been good, man. I got married about 10 years ago to Lauren, You remember Lauren, right?”

I nodded and he continued.

“We have twin girls who will be 4 next month and an 18 month old son, Tyler Jr. I call him TJ and Lauren just hates it.” The pride he had in his family was evident in the way he spoke about them and in the smile on his face.

“What about you? Didn’t I hear you and Bella had a son?” He asked innocently.

I swallowed hard, trying to keep myself somewhat composed.

“Bella has a son.” I managed to say while fighting back the tears. “She and I divorced.” I didn’t elaborate because I couldn’t face what I knew would come if I did. I also knew that I wanted to shout from the roof top that I had a son and was afraid of what would happen if I did try and say anything more. 

“Man, sorry.” He said evenly but there was no mistaking the look in his eye. He knew what I had done. “I forgot I had heard that a while back.” 

He turned and greeted Alice and Jasper, showed us to sitting area and began to go over the schedule.

Alice was crying softly and Jasper was the epitome of strength. He had his arm wrapped around her pulling her into his side as we listened to Tyler tell us how the calling hours would flow. He spoke of receiving lines and speeches and told us there would be refreshments available for all of the guests. After a half hour passed, Lauren knocked lightly on the door frame and nodded to Tyler. Tyler let us know that Dad’s casket had been moved into the viewing room and that the staff was bringing the coffee and snacks up now. 

A few minutes later guests started arriving. I’d known most of these people my entire life, but didn’t know them well. Their sympathies were heartfelt; they genuinely loved my father and they told me he spoke of me often. I heard some of them tell Alice and Jasper how proud he was of them. No one ever spoke those words to me. How could my father be proud of what I’d done with my life? I had thrown away the best thing that ever happened to me for a job. Yes I was damn good at what I did but my life was empty. I think he knew that but I didn’t realize just how empty it was until now. 

I made my way to the viewing room and stood in the doorway attempting to steel myself before approaching the open casket at the front of the room. As I looked towards the box that would hold my father for eternity, tears began to flow down my cheeks again. I didn’t fight them this time. Slowly, I made my way to the front of the room where he laid. 

“Dad,” I choked out. “I don’t know how to do this. I’m not ready to say goodbye to you. I need you. I need you to tell me how to fix this. My life is fucked up, Dad. I know I did it to myself and I know you tried to tell me then that I would regret my decision, but I was too self-centered to listen!” I was practically shouting at this point but I didn’t care. My chest felt tight, so tight that if it didn’t get relief, it was going to explode. I dropped to my knees and leaned my head on the casket and wept. I wept for my dad, for my Bella and for the son I didn’t know. I wept for the mistakes I made in my life and I wept because I had no idea how to fix them. It felt as if the weight of the world was on me and I couldn’t breathe. More so, I didn’t want to breathe anymore. I had lost everything that was real in my life, and in that moment, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into that casket in place of my father. 

After a while, I managed to pull myself together somewhat, and stood up. I leaned over and placed a gentle goodbye kiss on his forehead and whispered, “I love you, Dad.” As I turned to leave, I looked up and there in the doorway stood the most beautiful creatures I have ever laid my eyes on. My breath hitched and I gasped as they made their way inside the room and over to the casket. The world stood still in that moment as I watched Bella cross the room holding tightly onto the hand of the little boy that looked so familiar, yet was a total stranger to me. The little boy that I helped to create in love, and then threw away in anger...my son.


	2. Let It Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously
> 
> After a while, I managed to pull myself together and stood up. I leaned over and placed a gentle goodbye kiss on his forehead and whispered, “I love you, Dad.” As I turned to leave, I looked up and there in the doorway stood the most beautiful creatures I have ever laid eyes on. My breath hitched and I gasped as they made their way inside the room and over to the casket. The world stood still in that moment as I watched Bella cross the room holding tightly onto the hand of the little boy that looked so familiar, yet was a total stranger to me. The little boy that I helped to create in love, and then threw away in anger...my son.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again: I do not own Twilight, but I can come up with a million ways to spend the money if I did!  
> Ok – I’ve changed my mind – I’m going with a Sunday update schedule instead of Monday. Sunday’s are easier for me, most weeks anyway! 
> 
> Thank you for all who stopped by to see what this story was about. Special thanks to those who followed and added this story to favorites – WOW! I’m humbled.  
> And for those who left reviews! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH! I tried to reply to everyone I could and if I missed anyone, I’m truly sorry but I’ve read them all, twice and appreciate you taking time to let me know what you think.  
> To Sunflower Fanfiction: Fran, you just make everything that much better: this story and my ego! I can’t thank you enough for spending your time on this for me! It means the world to me!  
> To Robspantsfiddler: Sabrina, I really love your Twi name! LOL! I can’t thank you enough for your time and words – between you and Fran, my ego will do just fine!

Chapter 2 – Let it Rain  
I couldn’t believe my eyes. Bella and my son were standing in front of me. No, they were making their way over to me. I couldn’t breathe, but if I died in this moment, I would die happier than I could remember being since that awful, fucked up day six years ago.  
“Edward.” Bella stated more confidently than I thought she possibly could. Before I could say anything, she spoke again.  
“I’m so sorry about your father. Ed was a good man and was wonderful to us, especially Cam, and he will be missed.” Tears were now falling freely from her deep brown eyes. I wanted to reach out and comfort her,,, but I knew that would be a mistake. I’d already made enough mistakes with Bella, so I pushed down the desire.  
Hearing her voice was like hearing angels sing. I hadn’t heard her utter a sound in six years and now she was speaking – not just speaking out loud – but speaking directly to me. I didn’t think that would ever happen.  
“Bella” I breathed out reverently, it was almost too quiet to hear. “Thank you, but you lost him too. You were probably closer to him than I was over the last few years.” I stated, my embarrassment written obviously in my words and on my face.  
“He loved you, Edward, and he missed you.” She stated in a very matter of fact tone. She was giving nothing away. Or maybe she just didn’t have it in her to care anymore. 

I glanced down at the mini me standing next to her, and my heart broke even more. He didn’t show an ounce of recognition when he looked up at me. My son didn’t know who I was and I was the only one to blame.  
“My pop-pop isn’t going to wake up, is he?” Cam asked sadly with all the innocence of a 5 year old child. My heart broke even more.  
I kneeled on the floor in front of him and answer honestly. “No, your pop-pop isn’t going to wake up but I know he loved you with all of his heart and I know he will be looking down from heaven watching you grow and loving you from there.”  
Unsure if I had just fucked up and over stepped any bounds, I took a chance and glanced up at Bella. She was looking at down at us and had tears flowing down her cheeks.  
“Thank you Edward, it’s been tough on all of us, but him especially. He had a bond with Ed that he doesn’t have with anyone else.” She looked as if she almost regretted telling me that.  
I stood slowly and said, “Anytime, Bella.” I should have stopped there, but when in my life had I ever done the right thing? “He’s beautiful, Bella.” I whispered sadly.  
“Yes, Edward, I know he’s beautiful.” The venom in her voice made me wish I could move the clock back 30 seconds. That’s all I needed to erase this fuck-up, but we all know that was impossible so she continued,” I’ve seen him every day for the last five years. I’ve watched him grow; I’ve cried over the skinned knees, I’ve loved him like I’ve never loved another human being. You on the other hand, have no idea what’s it’s like to love someone like that.  
I flinched visibly. I hadn’t laid eyes on her in six years and couldn’t believe I was standing mere feet from her, speaking about a boy I had no right to. I’m not even sure why she even spoke to me. I’m sure it had to be difficult for her to offer her condolences to the bastard that stole her life… stole our life.  
Cam was furiously tugging on Bella’s hand trying to get her attention. She looked down at him with a mother’s pride and asked, “And what can I do for you little man?” Obviously trying to keep herself calm for the little boy she loved so much.  
“Mommy, who is he? How did he know pop-pop?” My son asked his mother with all the innocence a 5 year old possesses.  
I coughed trying to cover choking on the tears I was fighting. My son, this beautiful little boy had no idea who I was. I wasn’t really surprised but thought, no hoped, that Bella and my dad had shown him pictures of me, maybe even told him a little bit about me. But that was nothing more than a wild fantasy. Why would they set him up for heartbreak? I had made myself perfectly clear when I asked that termination of my parental rights paperwork be drawn up, along with the divorce papers.  
Fuck. What the hell was I thinking back then? How fucking stupid could one man be? Seriously, I think I must have been out of my mind. There is no way I could ever justify what I had done to Bella and Cam. Hell, there was no way I could justify it to myself.  
Bella spoke up, bringing me out of my internal musings.  
“Baby, remember how we told you that Pop-pop had a son and Aunt Alice had a brother? His name is Edward and he’s someone Mommy used to know.”  
I was fighting a losing battle against the tears that were fighting to escape.  
“Oh yeah! I remember now!” He was a little excited about making the connection. I admit I was too; I wasn’t a total stranger to my son.  
“Pop-pop told me stories about you sometimes. He said I’d really like you if I ever got to meet you.”  
Bella stiffened at that revelation, but Cam continued his speech.  
“He said you liked baseball too! Did you know I’m going to start baseball soon? Benji is going to be my coach!” His expression changed a little and he looked sad again.  
“If Pop-pop was your daddy that means you don’t have a daddy anymore. Maybe we can be friends since I don’t have a daddy either. That way you won’t be sad,” he stated simply and my heart broke even more, if that was even possible.  
“Maybe Benji can be your daddy too?” He said thoughtfully, and looked to Bella who had a panicked look on her face like she was contemplating how to put an end to Cam’s revelations. Before she could say a word, Cam continued, “Benji is going to ’dopt me. He loves me like a daddy is supposed to, and Mommy says that all that matters. A daddy loves you no matter what.”  
“Cam, buddy, we need to let Mr. Edward get back to the people who came to say good bye to Pop-pop,” Bella rushed out. Her voice was shaky and she sounded like she was fighting the tears as well.  
That was a battle that was clearly lost on my part: The tears were freely falling from my eyes, leaving tracks down my cheeks. I didn’t think my heart could break anymore. I was wrong.  
“Bella?” A voice called out in search of the woman in front of me.  
Bella’s head popped around and she let out an audible sigh as she saw the man calling for her.  
“Hey baby.” You could hear the relief in her voice and see her visibly relax, as the man made his way over.  
He greeted her with a kiss on the cheek and mussed Cam’s hair. “How are you holding up, sweetheart?” He asked with all the love and concern that should be afforded to someone you love, a fact that I had forgotten six years ago.  
“Better now that you’re here,” she smiled up at him timidly. It was obvious she loved this man, and he loved her and Cam.  
Benji was a good two inches taller than my six foot two inch frame. He had very dark brown, almost black, hair and dark brown eyes. He was also very built and little intimidating.  
“Hey, I’m Ben Menkare, Bella’s fiancé. You are?” he asked with a quirked eyebrow.  
Fucker knew exactly who I was; he was just staking his claim on my family.  
Bella knew what he was doing and softly elbowed his side and gave him a look that was definitely a warning.  
“Benji, this is Edward Masen, Ed’s son.” She looked like she wanted to say something else but glanced down at Cam and gave me a tight lipped smile.  
All I wanted to do in that moment was shout from the roof tops that I was Bella’s husband and that Cam was MY son,, but instead, I offered my hand to the fucker that had his arm around my wife.  
“See Mr. Edward!” Cam interrupted the tension filled introductions with his excited ramblings again. “This is Benji and he is going to be my daddy and coach my baseball team!” I don’t think he took a breath as he continued to make this awkward situation hell on earth. “Benji!” he practically shouted as he turned towards the man who would take my place in his life. The place I willingly vacated in the most selfish act I had ever committed. “Mr. Edward’s dad died, his dad was my Pop-pop, so he needs a daddy too! Do you think you could ‘dopt him too? Maybe he won’t be so sad anymore and we’ll both have a daddy!”  
I don’t know if anything else was said because I was torn between trying to figure out how to get my shattered heart out of this conversation and trying to talk myself out of killing this man that loved my family. He obviously loved them and it was plain to see that they adored him, especially Cam. He looked up at this man with hero worship in his eyes: the man that stepped up when I didn’t, the man that would fix what I destroyed six years ago.  
“Well, Edward, again, I’m so sorry for your loss but we should really pay our respects to Ed and find Alice.” Bella’s voice brought me out of my thoughts.  
I decided then that I had to take a chance. “Bella, I’d like to see you again to talk.” Where the confidence came from, I haven’t a clue but what did I have to lose? I’d already lost everything important, but maybe I could salvage something.  
“Edward, I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” She began, but I cut her off.  
“Bella, I’d really like to talk to you. I’m not expecting anything and I know I don’t deserve your time, but I would really appreciate it if you’d give me a chance to…” I didn’t know what I was asking for but I knew I needed something.  
“I’ll think about it, Edward, but we really need get going. It’s already past Cam’s bedtime, and he’s a little hyper and it won’t be long before he turns into a grumpy little boy.”  
I almost laughed. Almost. Cam rolled his eyes and gave his mother a look that I had seen in too many pictures. He was clearly annoyed at his mother’s words and he reminded me of, well, me.  
“How can I get in touch with you?” I began, and she shot me a look that said ‘you’ve lost your ever loving mind’, but I continued. What did I have to lose? “You know, in case you decide we can talk?”  
“Edward.” She was obviously exasperated. “Alice and I are very close so IF, and that’s a big if, I decide to talk with you, I can let her know.” And with that Benji gave me a smug grin as he tightened his grip around Bella’s waist and walked off with my family. The place I should have been.  
As I stood there watching them walk away, I was thinking of the photos that I spent the day going through: our wedding, our graduation, our life together. And, in that moment, I resolved that those would not be my only memories of them. We belonged together, and I would do anything and everything in my power to make that happen.  
I saw it so clearly and I knew exactly what I needed to do first. I needed to find Alice and have her take the house off the market. I would buy it from the estate. I would not return to Chicago, to my horribly empty life. I would stay here and start over again.  
Suddenly, everything seemed crystal clear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I missed posting yesterday simply because I forgot to! Thanks for reading and reviewing...hint, hint!


	3. Can't go Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Twilight, but am grateful to SM for allowing us to abuse these characters. It’s soooo much fun!   
> Thank you to all who stopped by to see what this story was about. Special thanks to those who followed and added this story to favorites. It makes me happy!   
> And for those who left reviews! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH! I tried to reply to everyone I could and if I missed anyone, I’m truly sorry but I’ve read them all, twice, and appreciate you taking time to let me know what you think.   
> My wonderful Beta and Pre-reader, Sunflower Fanfiction and Robspantsfiddler, thanks for giving me your time and words. You are both wonderful women I’m happy to call my friends

Previously:  
I saw it so clearly and I knew exactly what I needed to do first. I needed to find Alice and have her take the house off the market. I would buy it from the estate. I would not return to Chicago, to my horribly empty life. I would stay here and start over again. 

Suddenly, everything seemed crystal clear. 

You Can't Go Home

Having an epiphany in the middle of your father’s viewing is not the most convenient timing but was definitely poetic. Mourning the loss of my father AND my family but also realizing that only one of those was lost forever. It was going to be a difficult mountain to climb. Hell, this was going to make K2* look like child’s play but I had to try. I walked away once but couldn’t do it again. 

I made my way through the hordes of people who had come to mourn with my family as I sought out my sister. I wasn’t surprised at the turn out. Ed senior was a simple man and was well respected by the people of Forks. Being CFO of Forks National bank gave him access to everyone’s monetary secrets, but he never once spilled those tidbits of gossip. In fact, he’d put his job on the line more than once to help secure loans for people who wouldn’t have been able to get them without dad’s intervention. When the powers that be would tell him to deny a loan, he would ask them why the hell they had a lending branch in fucking Forks if they only wanted to loan to people who didn’t need the loan. Yes, he would use those exact words. It was funny; he caught the most hell, but had the highest early loan payoff statistics in the company. Forks’ citizens were nothing if not proud. If it weren’t for dad, the diner would have closed years ago, we wouldn’t have the new day care center, and we certainly wouldn’t have the new state of the art movie theater. Hell, now the people from Port Angeles drove the 56 miles to Forks to see movies. 

I finally saw Alice sitting by dad’s sister, Aunt Esme. Damn, that meant Carlisle was here. I knew he would be, but I did not want to deal with his judgmental ass right now. He hated that I married Bella to begin with but was the first one on team Bella when I left her. I’m sure he’d be “the first” to tell me what a horrible person she is when he realized I planned to win her back. Yeah, he’d be the only one. The rest of my family thought Bella walked on water. Maybe she could; maybe she couldn’t, but she was closer to it than I would ever be. 

It took about a half an hour to cross the room with all of the condolences I received, but I made over to Alice. The moment I stood in front of them, Aunt Esme was on her feet with her arms around my neck. 

“Oh Edward, I’m going to miss him so much,” she whispered through her tears. “He was so proud of what you accomplished for your mom.” I flinched, and Aunt Esme noticed. “Of course he was proud of you, Edward. How could he not be?”

I didn’t need to respond. How could he be proud of me? My father was about helping people, not hurting them. I destroyed the people who meant the world to me in the name of helping people I didn’t even know. I let my ego take over who I was and decided that nothing but the best would be good enough. At the time, I was too stupid to realize that I already had the best thing, the best TWO things that could ever happen to me. I gave that up for an empty life with a ‘saved’ count. I had pictures of every woman I’ve ever treated. My ‘saved’ scrap book is much bigger than my ‘lost’. I’m sure their families appreciated everything I was able to do for them, even the ones that just got a little more time. Little did they know I had lost my own family so that I could devote my life to them. Hell, I didn’t lose them, no, I threw them away. Those two albums would never make up for the one album that I should have strived to have. 

Aunt Esme loosened her grip and pulled her arms from around my neck and placed her hands on my cheeks, forcing me to look at her. 

“Edward, you look at me right now,” she scolded as I shook my head trying to break her hold. “Your father was proud of you. I am proud of you. You achieved your career goals and the women you’ve saved aren’t ‘nothing’. I know what you’re thinking and stop it right now.

“Es, Alice knows it wasn’t worth it, you know it wasn’t worth it and you damn well Dad didn’t think it was worth it.” I was fighting the tears threatening to betray me, yet again 

“Edward, you are the only one of us that can decide if it was worth it,” she said softly.

I just looked at her, letting the tears flow freely now, and shook my head. It wasn’t worth it. I knew it then but was too stubborn to admit my mistake and too scared that Bella wouldn’t take me back. Youth and arrogance are a deadly combination. 

“He’s so beautiful, Es, the pictures Dad sent me didn’t do him justice.” 

“He’s so much like you, Edward. Not just the fact that he looks just like you did at that age, but he has all the same quirky mannerisms you did and still do,” she said trying to stifle her giggle. 

I was grateful to her for breaking the tension and breathed a sigh of relief. Everyone tells you that funerals are a roller coaster of emotions, but I felt like I’d been on the downward slope since I walked in the door. Esme took over the mothering role when my mom died and always knew what I needed. Seeing that side of her, even after I broke her heart when I left six years ago, made me realize that, even through my stupidity, she still loved me. 

It was during that realization that I remembered my purpose of coming over here and I turned to my sister. Alice was standing there with tears in her eyes. I approached her slowly and wrapped my arms around her. She stiffened a little for a moment but then relaxed into my hug and wrapped her own arms around my waist. We stood there gently rocking each other, finding comfort and strength in each other.

When the moment was over, Aunt Esme excused herself to go find Carlisle, and I decided it was time to address the house with Alice.

“Sis, I don’t want to sell the house.” There it was out there, now to see if I could escape the rest of this conversation with my balls intact. I’m not sure the odds are in my favor.

“Why wouldn’t I sell the house, Edward? Jasper and I are in Seattle and you are in Chicago. Who in the world would keep it up? It’s just too much. And don’t even think about renting it out. Have you seen what tenants can do to a house if you lease to the wrong people?” She was truly shocked at my suggestion but I could see the wheels turning as she rambled. 

And then she gets it. 

“No, Edward!” she whisper shouted through gritted teeth. “You absolutely cannot be thinking what I think you are.” She was clearly not happy with her realization. 

“Alice, please just listen to me for a minute,” I pleaded. “I’ve missed so much of Cam’s life, and I know, I KNOW it’s my fault, but I feel as if this is my chance to right the wrong I committed six years ago. If I’m around more, maybe Bella will learn to trust me and let me play a role in his life.” I was pushing the words out my mouth as fast as I could so she would have to let me explain. “I’ve never stopped loving them, Alice, NEVER! I have to at least be here to see him grow up, even if she never lets me utter a word to him. I’m willing to stay away if she wants it that way, but I have to try, Alice. I have to.” The damned traitorous tears were once again forming tracks on my cheeks. 

Alice just stood there with her mouth wide open, her jaw quivering, trying to form the words that her brain wasn’t capable of forming at my revelation. After a few more minutes of absolute silence, Alice’s brain engaged, and I was not ready for what she had to say. 

“Damn it, Edward, how in the hell could you even think this was a good idea? You packed your bags and left your pregnant wife to follow a stupid dream.” At this point Alice had turned a shade of red I’d never seen before, and the color was deepening by the second. “You told her she didn’t fit into your life and you wanted nothing to do with the baby she was carrying: the baby you made. Now six years later you come back and decide that you messed up and want another chance? What the hell kind of drugs are you doing? And if they are that damn good you should pass them around.” I smirked at her comment, which turned out to be a big mistake on my part. Trust me, I know big mistakes. 

“You are one stupid man, Edward Masen, if you think this is even remotely a good idea.” Alice’s tone got softer. “She’s happy, Edward, happier than she’s been in a long time. Once Cam was born, we got to see her smile again. She even laughed sometimes. But she was miserable for so long. We couldn’t even mention your name for the first year without her totally breaking down. She couldn’t figure out what she’d done that was so wrong.” I flinched visibly. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, but I never let myself think about exactly how hard it would be and how much I hurt her. I couldn’t live with myself if I had. 

“When Cam was about 6 months old, I went by the house when I got back to Seattle after visiting dad. Edward, what I saw was heartbreaking. Cam was napping in his room, but Bella, Bella had totally lost it. She was sitting in the middle of a pile of broken glass and torn pictures, sobbing. She kept asking ‘why was I not enough? Why, God? What did I do so wrong? I don’t understand. I just don’t understand!’” I didn’t even try to stop the tears this time. “Edward, that was the day we moved her out of the house and in with me and Jazz. Later that week, we called a moving company and had all of their things put in storage and donated the rest to a women’s shelter. She put the house on the market the following week, quit her job and came back to Forks. She said she couldn't stay in that house or in Seattle. The memories were too painful. Yes there were memories here, but Charlie was here to support her. It took a while but she eventually started dating again, and then last year, when dad got sick, Benji came to run the bank. You can’t ruin this for her, Edward. He treats her like a princess and Cam adores him.” I couldn’t listen to anymore and cut her off with a wave of my hand.

“Alice, I’m not going to mess this up, again. I told you, I won’t interfere with their lives if she tells me no, but I need to at least see him grow up, even if he never utters a word to me. I know I fucked up, Alice. You don’t have to tell me that. But I have to try. I can’t not try. He’s my son, Alice. My son.” I was all out sobbing at this point. 

“Edward, this won’t end well for anyone, please don’t do this. Go back to Chicago and your life there and leave them alone. Please Edward, I’m begging you. I can’t support you on this.”

“Sis, you don’t know how much I wish I could do what you’re asking, but I just can’t leave. I’ll buy the house from you if that’s what it takes, but I’m not leaving.”

“I can’t support you Edward, and I will fight you on the house. She lives down the road for Christ’s sake.” Alice just shook her head sadly and walked off.

I stood there watching her walk away. I knew she was right, but I also knew that I couldn’t leave again. The thought of never seeing them again, even if just from a far, hurt worse than anything had ever hurt me before: worse than losing my dad, worse than losing my mom. Hell, even if Alice hated me for it, I was moving back to Forks. I’d dealt with her anger for the last seven years. I could deal with her hating me, but I could not deal with letting Bella and Cam go, again. 

I stood there lost in thought, watching the mourners mill about as the crowd thinned with passing of time. I knew that we would be heading home soon, and I would have to face my sister again within the confined space of the car. Thank God Forks is a small town, I’m not sure I would be able to handle her berating me for too long. It had been an emotional night and I was exhausted. I was actually contemplating walk home when I saw Jasper crossing the room. His reaction was one I should have been prepared for, yet I hadn’t given him a second thought. That was a mistake. I didn’t even have time to react when he reached me. He didn’t say a single word. He just pulled is arm back, and then everything went dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> *K2 is the second highest mountain, behind Mt. Everest. Although the summit of Everest is at a higher altitude, K2 is a much more difficult and dangerous climb, due in part to its more inclement weather and comparatively greater height from base to peak. The mountain is believed by many to be the world's most difficult and dangerous climb, hence its nickname "the Savage Mountain." It has the second-highest fatality rate for those who climb it. For every four people who have reached the summit, one has died trying. Unlike Annapurna, the mountain with the highest fatality-to-summit rate, K2 has never been climbed in winter. (Wikipedia)
> 
> So – do you think Edward realizes the odds of winning Bella back are pretty slim?


	4. What Might Have Been

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not own Twilight, but am grateful to SM for allowing us to abuse these characters. It’s soooo much fun!  
> Thank you to all who stopped by to see what this story was about. Special thanks to those who followed and added this story to favorites. It makes me happy!  
> And for those who left reviews! THANK YOU SOOOOO MUCH! I tried to reply to everyone I could and if I missed anyone, I’m truly sorry but I’ve read them all, twice, and appreciate you taking time to let me know what you think.  
> My wonderful Beta and Pre-reader, Sunflower Fanfiction and Robspantsfiddler, thanks for giving me your time and words. You are both wonderful women I’m happy to call my friends
> 
> I'm not sure what happened but when I posted Chapter 5 - I realized that this one never posted last week - and now I can't get the formatting right... I'll keep working on it!

I could see her out of the corner of my eye; she was standing there watching me with that look I knew. She loved seeing me sweat. It made her a wild woman. I knew that we would end up pulling off the road before we got away from school. We wouldn’t be out of the parking lot, before she was unbuttoning my pants. I knew that look well and so I would be finishing practice with a very inappropriate boner, since my mind was filled with thoughts of our meadow and a very warm, wet, inviting Bella. I was right in my thoughts, and she didn’t even let me get the car door closed before she was pulling at my button fly. She released me from the confines of my jeans and not so slowly lowered her head.

Chapter 4 –

  
“Oh god, Edward, wake up!” Voices that sounded close, yet far away.

 

Wait, where did Bella go? We were just heading to the meadow.

 

“Do you think we should call an ambulance?” A familiar worried voice sounded out, much louder than before.

 

“He’s been out for too long, Jasper could have really hurt him!”

 

“Es, calm down, it hasn’t been that long and his pupils are reacting, so we know he doesn’t have a concussion. It’s probably stress on top of the punch.”

 

I was confused. Why were all these people talking like this.

 

“Damn, guys, I didn’t think I hit him that hard. But fuck, he had it coming.” Jasper’s voice rang through and it all came crashing back down. I must have been knocked out when Jasper hit me. I wasn’t just about to get car-head from Bella. It was just dream. Hell, I’d probably never get anywhere near Bella again, much less experience something so intimate with her. I slowly opened my eyes and tried to sit up as I did. I felt strong hands pushing me back down, and I weakly fought against it.

 

“Edward, just stay lying down until you get your bearings.” An all too familiar voice stated calmly. Fuck, just what I need. Carlisle, the arrogant bastard himself, and now I was going to owe him, I’m sure. He was never nice to anyone without wanting anything in return. He felt everyone owed him when he did something for them, even his patients, and they paid him for his services.

 

“I’m fine, Carlisle,” I said with venom clear in my voice. When I sat up, I immediately felt dizzy and, even though I tried to hide it, the smug look on his face told me he knew. Bastard. I wasn’t going to show weakness around him. He would grab it and wouldn’t let go until I was on my knees begging him to stop. Yes, my uncle was a self-righteous arrogant asshole. I would never understand what my sweet, loving aunt saw in him. I shook my head to clear the dizziness and pushed myself up from the floor. I stumbled a little when I finally reached my feet, but still felt a little smug for defying the great Carlisle Cullen.

 

“I said I was fine, Carlisle,” I sneered and turned away from him. There were whispers around the room from the few people left and I didn’t need to hear the words to know what they were saying: I deserved what I got. They had all been kind earlier but only because it was my father’s funeral. It was out of respect for him, not for me. I wish Jasper had remembered why we were here. It was his wife’s father too, for fucks sake. Alice was standing with Jasper just a few away and was just staring at me with a smug look on her face. Jasper looked like he wished I’d never gotten up. Yeah, he hated me that much. I steeled myself for the conversation or more likely, confrontation, I was about to have with my sister, but I had no choice; I needed to get home.

 

“Alice, I just need to get home. Most people have gone home and those that are left are just here to see the spectacle, so out of respect for Dad, please get me the fuck out of here.” She glared at me for a moment but then nodded in agreement.

 

We were pulling out of the parking lot when Alice turned toward the back seat and finally spoke. “Edward, I don’t agree with the way my husband handled this fu.., this…situation,” she said quietly while shooting daggers at the side of Jasper’s head. “Dad’s wake was not the place to hash any of this out,,, but in Jasper’s defense, you should never have made that idiotic declaration either.” I tried to cut her off, but she shot me a look that told me to keep my fucking mouth shut. I got the picture and obliged. “Edward, you absolutely cannot do this,” she stated firmly. “Bella and Cam do not need your interference in their lives and before you try to tell me you won’t interfere; YES you will. You have no rights to Cam or to Bella; you gave them up. You can’t come back after six years and expect things to magically be okay, Edward. Bella is FINALLY happy. Cam is over the moon at the prospect of getting a dad, and I will not allow you to mess this up,” she continued quietly. “Bella and I actually had a conversation about something like this a few years ago. I asked her what she would do if you came back and said you had made a mistake. She laughed at me, Edward. She laughed because, and I quote, ‘Alice, Edward didn’t want me or Cam so why in the hell would he ever come back.’ I told her to humor me and tell me what would happen if you decided you wanted them back. I asked her to really think about it. Know what she said?”

 

I shook my head while my eyes begged her to continue. She said this conversation happened a few years ago and things change, people change, but I needed to know exactly what she said. Did I have a hope in hell of ever knowing my son? Did I have any hope of ever being important to Bella again? Was I just truly living in a dream world? What Bella and I shared had been intense. The feelings were so strong, so real that is was overwhelming for both of us sometimes. I don’t think either of us would ever find that again.

 

“Edward, she said ‘I really don’t know Alice. I just truly can’t imagine it happening, but if it did, I would like to think I’ll be strong enough to tell him to fuck off. For Cam’s sake, I hope he never does.’ ”Alice’s voice was still soft. “So you see Edward, if you ever loved Bella at all, you’ll leave and stay away from her before you destroy her again. Benji is the best thing that ever happened to her and Cam, and I will proudly stand up next to her on their wedding day. I’ll tell you what I told her when she was hesitant about asking me to be her Matron of Honor.” Her voice was rising a little with passion. “‘Bella, I know in my heart that Benji is perfect for you and that you will have a wonderful life together. I am eternally grateful that you asked me to be there beside you when you say ‘I do’ and I can’t wait for that day!’”

 

When she didn’t continue, I just sat back in my seat; the pained look on my face let her know I didn’t need to hear anymore. Jasper had not uttered a single word, but I knew he was thrilled that Alice’s words were tearing me up inside. While I knew Alice was right, I couldn’t bring myself to come to a different conclusion. Bella’s words had torn my heart but given me hope simultaneously. My resolve to stay had not wavered in wake of Alice’s declarations. The thought that she might still be conflicted gave me hope, and I would use that conflict to my advantage.

 

********* 3 weeks later

 

I saw Bella and Cam at the funeral the day after Jasper knocked me out. I watched from a distance as Benji comforted her and my son. I saw him whisper in her ear as I delivered my father’s eulogy. The tears rolling down my face as I spoke were not only for my father. The tears fell harder as I watched him pull my son into his lap and wipe the tears from his cheeks. They didn’t let up when Bella offered me a small smile as I stood at the podium. Nor did they wane as I watched the other pall bearers walk to the front of the church just before she leaned into Benji for comfort. They didn’t stop when I watched him carry Cam and help hold Bella up as they walked out of the church when they were crying too hard to do it alone. They didn’t let up when they lowered my father’s casket deep into the earth and Bella let out a loud sob while Cam cried, “Pop-pop, please don’t go.” No, no one was wise to the fact that the majority of the tears I shed that day were not for my father.

 

The last three weeks had been hell on earth. I called Northwestern and tendered my resignation. It was bittersweet. I had wanted Northwestern so bad that I gave up everything for it. Now I was giving it up to have a shot at recovering what I left behind. If only. I struggled with the whys of it all. Why did I think I couldn’t have both? Why did I think I needed freedom to attain these goals? Bella had been by my side through all of it and she would have supported me. I know that. Hell, I knew that then. I wish I could remember what I was thinking that day. She’d just caught me by surprise and I panicked. Had I actually been thinking, I could have had it all.

 

Alice saw an attorney to attempt to get an injunction on my buying the house from the estate. I hated fighting with my sister but had become pretty damn good at it over the last six years. I don’t know why she fought me so hard on it. It wasn’t like I couldn’t buy another house and the likelihood of her winning was slim to none. Alice had already visited a realtor, so her intention to sell was clear. What judge would deny a son the right to purchase the other half of the house he owned half of already and had spent his childhood in? My lawyer said that Alice’s actions were futile, but I guess she felt like she had to try.

 

The remainder of the week they stayed in Forks, Jasper didn’t make another attempt to hit me, and for that, I was grateful. I wouldn’t have been able to defend myself against his actions. I deserved everything he wanted to do to me.

 

It was getting late, and I was just about to turn off the television and get ready for bed when the phone rang. I toyed with the idea of not answering it, but I knew it had to be Alice. It was after 11:00 p.m., so it could only be her. I knew if I didn’t answer it, I’d have hell to pay, more so than I already was. She knew I would be home since I had an interview scheduled at Forks General tomorrow.

 

It really should be a no brainer but since Carlisle was the Chief of Staff, I wasn’t sure I’d get the job. If they thought that would make me leave, they were sadly mistaken. I’m quite sure I could establish a private practice in Port Angeles if it came right down to it. Forks General might be stupid enough to turn me away, but with my reputation in the field, no one else would.

 

I pulled myself out of my thoughts and picked up the phone, but by the time I hit ‘answer,’ the call had disconnected. I debated on whether I should just call her back now, or wait until tomorrow. I was about to look at the missed calls on my phone, when the chime for my voice mail went off. I was immediately relieved that I wasn’t going to have to speak with my sister tonight. I quickly hit the button to call my voice mail and type in my code: 23552. I hadn’t changed my code since high school, but I had long ago forced myself to stop thinking about what those numbers stood for.

 

As I followed the prompts of the prerecorded voice, I began to steel myself for whatever tongue-lashing I was about to receive from my sister. I was definitely not prepared for what I heard.

 

“Um, Edward, it’s Bella…” I dropped the phone. I was so shocked to hear her voice that I couldn’t move. I just stared at my phone lying a few feet in front of me on the floor. I could hear her muffled voice coming from the ear piece but could not make out what she was saying. After a few moments, I lunged towards the phone, scrambling to hit the sequence of numbers to replay the message. I messed up four times. How I didn’t end up deleting the message, I will never know but, finally, I was able to get it to replay.

 

“Um, Edward, it’s Bella.” She paused and I could hear her take a deep breath. “At the funeral, you said you wanted to talk to me. I guess I now know why.”

 

My mind was reeling. What was she thinking? “I heard you are moving back, so I guess that’s what you wanted to talk to me about. I don’t want you worry about Cam interfering with anything. I mean, I’m sure people know but they…” She was stammering. “won’t cause any problems for you, or anything if that’s what you are concerned about. Well anyway, if you feel you still need to talk to me, I can meet you at the diner tomorrow. I’m meeting Benji there for lunch and I can stay for a little while. He has to back at the office by 1:00, so, if you want to, you can show up then. Well, I guess maybe I’ll see you then.”

 

My heart broke even more with her message. How could she think I would be worried about Cam getting in my way? Well, you dumb fuck, how could she not jump to that conclusion? I mentally berated myself. I told her that they were in my way once. How was I going to fix this? Was it even possible?

 

In an effort of futility, I set my alarm clock before I went to bed. I needed to be at the hospital by 8:00 a.m. to meet with the board for my interview. I don’t think I closed my eyes once that night. I relived every moment I’d ever spent with Bella. Finally around 4:00 a.m., I pulled myself out of bed and opened up the box that contained the photos of my life, before I stupidly threw it away. The first picture I saw was one I found after the funeral. It was one of Bella, holding Cam for the first time. Her hair was matted to her head from the sweat. Her face was glowing and her eyes shown with unshed tears as she looked down at our son in her arms. I let the tears flow freely, tears of both joy and sadness. Joy because it is truly the happiest day of my life, and sadness because I missed it. I cried as I stared at the photo until my alarm went off. I started to put the picture back in the box but grabbed my wallet from the dresser instead. I folded it carefully so that it would fit and placed it in one of the photo holders. This would be my reminder. When things got tough, I would look at this picture to remind me how the struggle would be worth it. I closed my wallet, placed it back on the dresser, and set out to get ready for the day with a new determination to right all of my wrongs.

 

It wasn't going to be easy, but I would give it all that I had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N – The secret behind Edward’s code: 23552 – the coordinating letters on a standard phone number pad are B-e-l-l-a. Just in case you didn’t figure that out. If it’s not obvious, Benji (one reviewer said “the dude with the puppy name! Flove!) knows she called him, so know there is no hiding anything.  
> I’d like to know what you’re thinking so if you have a minute, fill out that little box for me!


	5. The Man I Want to Be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, like you don’t already know this, SM owns all things Twilight. I just love to make Edward suffer.   
> My beta and friend, Sunflower Fanfiction truly rocks. After my epic fail AGAIN this week, she turned this around in mere moments for me so that I wouldn’t be late posting! She also saved me from some embarrassing moments. I really do know Emmett’s last name – I swear it!

Previously

I cried as I stared at the photo until my alarm went off. I started to put the picture back in the box but grabbed my wallet from the dresser instead. I folded it carefully so that it would fit and placed it in one of the photo holders. This would be my reminder. When things got tough, I would look at this picture to remind me how the struggle would be worth it. I closed my wallet, placed it back on the dresser, and set out to get ready for the day with a new determination to right all of my wrongs.   
It wasn't going to be easy, but I would give it all that I had.

Chapter 5 – The Man I Want to Be

I arrived for my interview fifteen minutes early. I was nervous as hell. I hate panel interviews and I haven’t ever had one where I had so much on the line. Honestly, it’d be bad enough if it was just an interview, but this was so much more. This was my future and going to a group interview with zero sleep is not a good idea. It was a few minutes after 8:00 when I was called in. I swallowed hard and took a few deep cleansing breaths before I walked through the door to begin. 

Two and a half hours later I walked out of the room. I barely remembered answering any of their questions. I only hope I didn’t tell them that you gave a woman Pitocin to stop early labor; that would cause a big snag in my plan to establish my practice here. Carlisle didn’t look too pleased when I left, so I think that means I must have aced the interview. I truly don’t think I will ever understand the depth of his hatred of me. The panel said they would let me know by the end of the week whether they would extend privileges to me. Of course that was contingent on my getting my license in Washington. I had already submitted the paperwork to the state and really couldn’t foresee being denied. 

I still had two and a half hours to kill before I was supposed to meet Bella at the diner, and I felt like I would die waiting. I knew I had to keep busy, so I took myself on a tour of the hospital. Not much had changed, and it took all of a half an hour to walk the halls. Part of me wondered why the hell I had ever even considered undertaking this epic battle. I gave up my life to build my career, and now, coming full circle, I was planning on giving it all up to build another, or should I say, rebuild the one I should have had. Ironic, but in hindsight, I wish I had life experiences that would have helped guide me to better choices back then. There would be no need to make such life altering decisions now. I pulled my wallet from the back pocket of my black dress pants. Even though I didn’t really need the reminder of why I was doing this, the picture I had placed in there this morning would show me exactly why. 

After staring at the picture for a few minutes, I decided to head over to the diner. I knew Bella would still be there with her fiancé – I couldn’t even think the word without disgust lacing it– but I could watch from afar and maybe see if my sister was right. Maybe I could do the right thing if I saw that she was really happy, that she really loved him. As much as I hated the thought of another man loving my Bella, I’d like to think I would give her the happiness she truly deserves, even if it isn’t with me. There was no way I could let my son get away without at least trying. 

I was just about through the doors of the hospital, when Carlisle caught up to me. I had heard him yell my name, but pretended not to hear him. I really didn’t have the time or the patience for his antics today. 

“Edward,” he said with disgust in his voice.

“Carlisle,” I responded, clearly irritated. 

“Well it looks like you snowed the board over.” He was obviously not happy about that.

“I don’t think I snowed anyone, Carlisle, I just impressed them with my vast knowledge of women’s’ health matters. It’s not out of the realm of possibilities that I’m actually pretty damn good at what I do,” I stated with pride. I may have fucked my life up to get there, but I was a damn good doctor and I certainly had the credentials to prove it. 

“Well, maybe it’s poetic justice that you’ll be stuck in this piss ant town just like me,” he sneered. 

“So that’s your issue, Carlisle? You resent me because you are stuck in Forks?” I was truly perplexed but I guess it made sense. He gave up a lucrative practice to move here with Aunt Esme when my mom died, but how that was my fault, I would never know.

“No, Edward, that is not my issue. My issue is you are a spoiled brat who never deserved what you had. You proved that with every decision you’ve ever made and you are still so self-absorbed you can’t see the forest for the trees. You decide what you want and expect everyone to bow down to the great Edward Masen. You begged Esme to come live in Forks, so we packed up everything and left our lives to come to you. Did you spend time with us? No, you were so wrapped up in yourself that you didn’t see the tears your aunt cried over you and your behavior. Eloping, Edward, Really? Your aunt was heartbroken. Hell you were barely 18, and we see how that decision panned out. And your ex-wife? Hell, she followed you around like a puppy dog and went to the schools you wanted to, supported your ass through eight years of hell on earth, and the second something didn’t go your way, you turned tail and hauled ass. And don’t even get my started on that wonderful little boy. So no Edward, I gladly gave up my goals and aspirations for the woman I love. THAT, my son, is my issue.” 

I stood there, dumbfounded as he turned on his heel to walk away. He was right. There was no arguing with him. I realized that I had many more mountains to climb to become the man I want to be, the man I need to be. How could I not see how selfish I’d been my whole life? I thought Bella wanted those things with me. Could I have been wrong? We loved each other and I thought that you were supposed to help support each other. Carlisle was wrong about Bella. We were supportive of each other, weren’t we? Didn’t I give her as much as she gave me? 

I glanced at my watch and realized that all that worry over the wait was futile, since I was now going to be late if I didn’t move. I couldn’t afford to miss this. She doesn’t know for sure if I’m coming, so she may not wait around too long, and I have to see her. I have to set everything right. I have to. Failure is not an option. 

I ran out to my car and raced through the few short blocks to the parking lot of the diner. It was just 1:00 so I knew she’d still be here. Bella’s word on something was good. She said she’d wait for a little while after he left, and she would. I took a few moments to try and steel my nerves for what would be a difficult conversation. Worrying wasn’t helping my nerves at all so I took a deep breath and got out of the car. I walked through the doors of the diner and looked around for Bella. I had just seen her at my dad’s funeral, but I still wasn’t prepared for the beautiful woman I found sitting in the corner booth on the other side of the diner. I finally let out the deep breath I had been holding. I’m not sure I had taken a breath since I got out of the car.   
Bella was even more beautiful than she was the day I met her, and I’m not sure how that’s even possible. She had always been the most beautiful woman in the room and I’d never met another that could compare. There were truly just no words.   
Slowly, I made my way towards the booth and when I reached the half-way point, she finally looked up and saw me making my way to the table. Her eyes met mine and, for a moment, a small smile played on her lips. It was gone as fast as it had appeared, and in its place, a cold glare appeared. That little slip on her part gave me hope. Despite what she may say, she was happy to see me. For a moment, anyway.

“Bella,” I said softly when I reached the table.

“Edward.” There was no softness in her voice. She was all business. 

I hesitated for a moment but slowly slid into the seat on the other side of the booth. For a long moment, neither of us uttered a word, we each just took in the other, trying to read the emotion on our faces, wondering what the other was thinking. It didn’t take long before the silence was broken, not by me or Bella, but by the waitress asking if she could bring me anything. I asked for a glass of water, knowing that I wouldn’t be able to speak without it. My throat was dry from nerves. Sitting here, across from Bella, made everything else feel like it had been a cake walk. Sitting for my licensing exams? Easy. Group interviews? Not even worth mentioning. This even made that day I faced her in the attorney’s office feel like a walk in the park.   
When the waitress brought the water, I quickly gulped down half the glass. I needed to say something, but the waitress spoke up first. 

“Well, well, well. What have we here? Forks golden couple back together again? Bella, what would that hunk of a man you are engaged to have to say about this?” The mocking tone of her voice served to piss me off. Who the hell did she think she was? I looked up, ready to tell her to mind her own business and there was Rosalie Hale, head bitch in charge at Forks High School. Figured she’d be waiting tables. Girls like her never had much in the way of initiative to make something of themselves. Bella spoke up before I could.

“Rose, shut the hell up and go do whatever you do here,” she stated with much less venom than I would have expected. Bella hated Rosalie in high school. Rosalie never understood why I wasn’t interested in her. She thought we’d make a great couple and could rule the school together and she made Bella’s high school life miserable because I chose her. Bitch. 

“Bella, if you need anything, you know where to find me.” Rose was being way too kind to Bella, especially after being told to fuck off. I was more than curious.

“Thanks, Rose. Give Emmett and Emma a big kiss from me.” Bella smiled up at Rose. Rose nodded sadly and walked away.

I stared at Bella with my mouth gaping like a fish out of water. Rose? Bella spoke up quickly.

“Rose changed a lot after high school and we’ve gotten to be really close since I came back. She married Emmett McCarty about 5 years ago and they have a three year old little girl. She and Emmett own this joint now, as well as a few other businesses here in town,” Bella explained. 

I immediately felt remorse. I was judging Rose based on the past, when I was getting ready to beg to be forgiven for my past mistakes. 

“Wow, I never would have guessed. Rose and Emmett, huh? I thought they hated each other.” At least we were talking now, even if it wasn’t about the important stuff. 

“Yeah, well they did. Rose left Forks for a while but when she came back, she was a mess. Emmett was there and helped her pick up the pieces. I wasn’t here then but when I moved back, she sought me out and apologized for her behavior in high school and we’ve been friends ever since. She’s really one of the kindest people I know. We get our kids together at least a couple of times a week and when Alice comes to town, we pawn the kids off on Emmett and have a girls’ night,” she explained.

“I guess people do change,” I edged.

“Yes, Edward, people do change,” she stated while glaring hard at me. Yeah, wrong thing to say.

“Well now that we’re here, what was it you wanted to talk to me about? I told you, we won’t be a problem for you, Edward, we have our own lives and if you’re worried about us interfering in your life, there is absolutely no need.” She was all business again. 

“Bella,” I began softly, “that is not what I’m worried about, at all. In fact, it’s just the opposite.” I paused to give her time to process what I said. She just looked at me like I had two heads.

“What are you talking about, Edward?” She asked cautiously. 

I took a deep breath, knowing this wasn’t going to go over very well, but knowing I needed it out there. “Bella, I have few regrets in my life but the biggest one is that day six years ago when I told you I didn’t need you.” There, it was out there.  
Bella looked absolutely shocked. She sat there, her mouth gaping as if she were trying to form words that wouldn’t come. I took her inability to speak as a chance to continue.

“I have regretted those words every day since I was stupid enough to utter them. Bella, I should have come back and begged for your forgiveness, but I knew what I had said and done was unforgivable. I have lived my life the last six years, but haven’t really LIVED. I’ve been a shell of the man I’m supposed to be.” I continued as I watched her shocked expression morph into anger, but she still wasn’t speaking so I continued to dig my grave. “Dad would send me pictures of Cam and tell me about him, and I wanted to come back so many times. I wanted to tell you I’d made a mistake, but I knew you hated me for what I had done and couldn’t bring myself to face you. So, I continued to live my half-life. All I have is my job. Sure there are a few friends, but everything revolves around the hospital.” I took a deep breath before continuing. “When I saw you and Cam at the funeral, everything I’d done wrong in my life hit me like a ton of bricks, and I knew I had to try and make it right. I know that I’m late, maybe too late, but I have to try, Bella, I have to. I want to get to know my son. I want …” She didn’t let me finish. 

She stood, the anger flowing through her veins obvious in her jerky movements. 

“How dare you, you son of a bitch!” She whisper yelled through clenched teeth. “Destroying me once wasn’t good enough for you, so you have to come back and try and finish the job?” She asked but it was more of a statement than a question. “You fucking have a lot of nerve, Edward Masen. You come back after six years and want to know ‘your son’?” She used air quotes. “Well, let me tell you. YOU do not have a son. I have a son, and Benji has a son.” I visibly flinched, but she continued. “You made sure we knew you wanted nothing to do with us. The only reason he even has a clue you exist is because we are close to your family, but he does not know you were the sperm donor and he will NEVER know. Do you hear me, Edward? If you come near him, I will have a restraining order on you so fast you won’t know what hit you. You stay the fuck away from me. You stay the fuck away from him. You didn’t want him then; you sure as shit don’t get him now.” 

I didn’t have a chance to say anything before she stormed out the doors. My head was spinning, and my heart was breaking. I knew it would be a tough road to travel, but I didn’t grasp the truth until that moment. She hated me. She may never forgive me for my stupidity, but I was strong in my resolve. I would win her over and have my son in my life. I would find a way. I couldn’t not succeed, failure was not an option. I needed them and would have them again, anyway I could. Even if that meant being a silent observer in their lives, watching them live and love and grow. 

It would have to be enough - for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pitocin is actually a labor inducing drug. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and reviewing my little story (hint, hint!) I’d really like to know your thoughts – good and bad!


	6. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s a late posting but it’s still Sunday. I can only continue to grovel at Fran’s feet for making up for my lack of time this week. Remember in chapter 1, when I said I had kids… well yeah. Work let up but the kid got busier! Fran, I can’t thank you enough for beta-ing this and for being my friend!  
> Sabrina – I was so late I didn’t get you to pre-read and I’m sorry!  
> I am going to be out of town for the holiday weekend. I promised Fran to try and have the next chapter to her before I leave town Thursday morning. I’m not sure if I’m coming home Monday or Sunday but I’ll update as soon as I get home!  
> We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn’t me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!

Previously  
I would find a way. I couldn’t not succeed, failure was not an option. I needed them and would have them again, anyway I could. Even if that meant being a silent observer in their lives, watching them live and love and grow. It would have to be enough - for now.

Chapter 6

The cab pulled out of O’Hare and began the journey toward Millennium Park and The Heritage, my home. When I bought my condo, I really thought I’d made it, 5000 square feet of luxury in downtown Chicago. Seriously, my priorities were fucked up. What the hell did I need 4 and ½ bathrooms for? I had no one in my life to share it with. Sure, it was great for entertaining and Emily loved it, but that didn’t matter, because she would never live there. 

The day after the fiasco with Bella at the diner, my attorney called and let me know that Alice stopped fighting my purchase of the house. Not that she wanted to, she just didn’t have a case. There wasn’t a judge in the world that could stop a purchase of a family estate just because someone’s ex-wife lived up the road. Not that having her there would do me a lot of good, now. 

I thought long and hard about what my next move should be. Bella was angry. Hell, she detested me, but I couldn’t blame her. I had brought that on myself. I meant it, though, when I said I would be a silent observer. Cam may never know I helped to create him, but I wasn’t going to miss out on any more of his life. Maybe, I would be able to catch glimpses of them as they lived their lives, without me. Would it be the hell on earth I so deserved, or would it be cathartic? Would it provide me with the peace of mind that I was praying for? I’m quite sure it would be more of the former, but it was the price I must pay to atone for my sins against them. 

Much to Carlisle’s dismay, I was offered a position at the hospital. As soon as I hung up the phone after they offered me the job, I called the airlines and booked a flight back to Chicago. I had already tendered my resignation at Northwestern, but I hadn’t taken care of everything I needed to. I had to make arrangements to have my belonging shipped back to Forks, put the condo on the market, and have a very uncomfortable conversation with Emily. She knew we would never be more, but she did deserve a proper ending. I was done avoiding the difficult things in life. It was time to man up and take responsibility for my actions.

I was brought out of my musings when the cab pulled to a stop in front of my building. I slowly climbed out and tossed a fifty at the cabbie, told him to keep the change, but never looked back at him. Instead, I gazed up the side of the building that I had called home. The glass and steel, cold and lifeless against the blue sky, much like my life was destined to be. Would my presence in Forks ever be welcomed by anyone? My sister or her husband, Bella or my son, would they ever be able to find it in their hearts to forgive me? I could only hope. My resolve to continue trying only strengthened as I realized just how empty my life would continue to be if I stayed here in Chicago. It may still be a lonely life, but at least I would feel the warmth radiating from the happy lives of those around me, if only ever from a distance. 

Marcus, the doorman, greeted me warmly as he held the door open for me to enter. He had been employed here at the Heritage since they opened about 8 years ago, but had been working in Chicago for more than 20 years. When I first moved in, I asked him why he chose this profession. He responded that he while he’d never grown up wanting to be a doorman, circumstances didn’t allow him the opportunity for college, and this job allowed him to be with his family more than any corporate job ever would. He would tell me all about his kids and their antics and how expensive it was to raise kids. He was never resentful; you could hear the pride in his voice even when he complained about the cost of their activities. It always ended up with me giving a little extra tip and bigger Christmas bonus. He was pretty damn smart.

We chatted for a few moments and I told him that I was leaving Chicago. He assumed that it was because of my father’s death. I didn’t correct him. I was ashamed that I never told him about Cam, but of course, that was because I was ashamed of what I had done to Bella and Cam to begin with. How could I brag about a son I threw away? He told me he’d miss me, and I believed him. I didn’t have many real friends in Chicago, but I definitely would always count Marcus as one.  
The elevator dinged to signal the arrival at my floor. I dragged my bag behind me, the weight too much for me to bear in my current mindset. I dug the keys out of my pocket, unlocked the door and deposited the bag just inside the doorway before making my way to the bathroom. I decided that a hot shower was necessary to wash away the filthy feeling I always got from traveling. I wish washing away all of my sins was that easy. 

I stood under the scalding stream of water from the rain showerhead that dropped from the ceiling. When I remodeled my bathroom, the contractor told me that, given my profession, the shower should have no expense spared. He said a single man would need a way to relax after a hard shift at the hospital. At least when I wasn’t out with the ladies he added. At the time, I laughed and bought all that he was selling. The massaging jets that protruded from tiles hit perfectly at my lower back and into my shoulders. The built in stereo system and lighting that offered a multitude of colors helped create the mood you were seeking; a rain shower allowed the water to fall effortlessly over my body. The steam heads provided deeper cleaning of the pores and lungs, and the foot massagers in the floor helped to alleviate the ache that came from being on my feet all day: the ultimate in stress relieving luxury. As I leaned back into the jets, seeking relaxation, my thoughts went to Bella. She would have loved this shower. I allowed myself to remember the first shower we ever took together when we were still teenagers. Our fathers were out fishing, and we had all day alone. We’d spent the morning wrapped in each other making love, and when Bella’s stomach announced it need sustenance, rather loudly, we decided to clean up and go to the diner for burgers. She stated that she couldn’t go anywhere smelling like sex, someone might tell Charlie. So she helped herself to my shower. The thought of her in my shower, naked and wet, was more than I could stand, so I joined her in the bathroom. Needless to say, we didn’t actually get to the diner until much later in the day. 

My cock hardened at the memory of Bella as she stood in front of me. We were still new to sex and being so exposed to me, caused the blush to rise in her cheeks. We were both still very awkward and hesitant to tell each other what we liked. Of course we learned over the years, but the beginning was not always explosive, for her anyway. Sometimes I was too quick to explode, but I always tried to take care of her in other ways. I began to stroke myself at the memory of my hands softly washing her body. I took my time lathering her arms, working my way up and over her shoulders, softly caressing her breasts as she closed her eyes, relishing in the soft, unhurried touches. 

I began to stroke faster as I remember her almost breathless whimpers when my hands flowed down the soft skin of her stomach and gently washed her between her legs. 

I speed up my own hand as I recalled dropping to my knees to wash her legs and seeing her sex up close for the time. I could help but place a kiss on her pubic bone, causing a shocked gasp to escape from Bella’s lips. My hands continued down the front of her legs and then up the back of them, stopping only when I reached her soft, round ass. 

I could feel the tension building in my stomach as I remembered how my touches went from soft to firm and needy as a grasped her ass and pulled her closer to my mouth. My tongue tentatively flicked out and Bella gasped and moaned in the same breath.  
All of a sudden, my mind drifted from the surprised look on Bella’s face in the shower, to the broken look on her face as the day our marriage ended. And the feeling and the erection were both gone. Damn it. I couldn’t even get my fucking fantasies right to masturbate anymore. Fuck me. 

I shut off the water, giving up any hope of getting myself off. I stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel off of the rack: the decorative kind that you aren’t supposed to use. Who would really care if I used my own damned towels? There wasn’t anyone to care, I made sure of that.

After throwing on some boxers and sweats, I decided I wouldn’t put off the inevitable and picked up the phone to call Emily.  
She answered after the second ring. 

“Well, well,” she said with little emotion, “I wasn’t sure I’d hear from you after I heard from Riley that you’d resigned from the hospital. What the fuck, Edward? Couldn’t you be bothered to even let me know when you were coming home?” Finally, a little emotion came through the phone. 

“Sorry, Emily,” I stated sheepishly, “it’s been crazy. The funeral was tough, and I had some family issues I had to deal with.” Not a lie.

“Edward,” she whispered, “you know you could have talked to me. You don’t have to do everything alone.”

I was taken aback. Emily knew the deal. We didn’t do feelings. We did companionship. We did sex. We did not deal in emotions. 

“Emily,” I said, trying to maintain civility in my voice, “that’s not us,” I said with finality. “It has never been us, and will never be us. You know this.”

“A woman can dream, Edward,” she whispered.

“No, Emily, don’t, please don’t dream of me. You deserve better than I am capable of giving you. I can’t give you anything more. Not now and not in the future. I really thought you understood that.” I was begging her not to make this more difficult than it needed to be. “We were good together because we were on the same page. We worked because there were no expectations, no promises. Emily, you said you understood that from the get go.”

“I did, Edward, I do. But that doesn’t stop me from caring about you. We both have baggage, but that doesn’t stop feelings from growing, Edward. We’ve helped each other; we can continue to help each other.”

“No, Emily, I don’t think we can.” I needed to remain cool. I did care for Emily, but not the way a man should care for his partner. She was right, we both had baggage, but she really had no clue just how much I had. I never spoke of my past with her and never would. 

“I’m leaving Chicago, for good,” I stated calmly. “There are things in Washington that I’ve neglected for too long and now it’s time for me to be the man they need me to be, that they’ve always needed me to be, but I’ve been too self-centered to do anything about.” She didn’t need to know any more than that, so I let that just that hang in the air for a moment before I continued.

“I really planned on talking about this with you in person, but I don’t think that’s a good idea anymore. I never wanted to hurt you, but it seems that can’t be avoided right now, and I’m truly sorry, Emily.” This was not how it was supposed to go. It was supposed to be easy.

“Edward, I get it, and I’m not hurt as much as I thought I would be. I guess I thought that maybe, someday, we’d get over whatever was in our past and maybe try to move forward, together. I knew it was a long shot, truly I did. I want you to be happy; you deserve happiness in your life. Goodbye, Edward.”

And with that the phone went dead. I truly felt bad that I had hurt Emily in any capacity. She didn’t deserve it; she was right when she said we had been good together. Not in the sense that we had a future but in the sense that we wanted the same thing out of our time together, at least in the beginning. 

I spent the rest of the evening going through my things, trying to determine what I would donate and what would be shipped to Forks. It didn’t take long to come to the conclusion that most of it would be donated. This was a part of my life I didn’t want reminders of. The pictures of Emily, the ones of me with my colleagues on the golf course, all of them went into a trash bag. The only ones I would take were the ones that my dad had sent and the handful I had brought with me. 

I went to bed that night feeling both lighter and heavier at the same time. Lighter because the only things really tying me to Chicago had been resolved, and heavier because, even though I wouldn’t be taking a lot with me to Forks, the load I would have to bear was overwhelming. 

The next morning I contacted the moving company, a realtor and the State Medical Board to find out the process of putting my license on hold. I didn’t want to give it up completely, because, as I’ve learned, the future isn’t easy to predict. 

It took much less time to organize my affairs in Chicago than I’d anticipated so instead of two weeks, I was ready to go back to Forks in four days. I was truly scared of what awaited me there, but I was not giving up. Carlisle could tell me I was selfish for doing this; maybe I was, but I certainly didn’t think that was the only part to the equation. I loved Bella, and I loved my son. If I couldn’t be her husband or his father, maybe someday they might need a friend. And while it would kill me to watch her love another man, I would be that friend if she needed me to be. I would watch Benji raise my son, if it meant I could see him grow up. 

I would sacrifice myself for their happiness, even if I was never a part of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Again, no promises, but I can offer my gratitude for you taking the time to tell me what you think.


	7. Cats in the Cradle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn’t me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!  
> To Sabrina and Fran: thank you both for your friendship and kind words and for helping me make this story better!

Previously  
Carlisle could tell me I was selfish for doing this; maybe I was, but I certainly didn’t think that was the only part to the equation. I loved Bella, and I loved my son. If I couldn’t be her husband or his father, maybe someday they might need a friend. And while it would kill me to watch her love another man, I would be that friend if she needed me to be. I would watch Benji raise my son, if it meant I could see him grow up.  
I would sacrifice myself for their happiness, even if I was never a part of it. 

Chapter 7  
I was back in Forks for a week, before I saw her standing on the porch with Him. I was on my way to my attorney’s office to sign the last of the paperwork for the transfer of ownership on the house, when I drove past Bella’s, my heart dropped. Benji was obviously leaving, which meant he had spent the night. He was dressed in what appeared to be a very expensive suit, and was kissing MY wife and son good bye, obviously on his way to work. I knew it was a tough road I was destined to travel. But I didn’t anticipate that actually seeing the domesticity they had established, would gut me quite that bad. I didn’t even try to fight the tears.  
By the time I reached Jason Jenks’ office my eyes were bloodshot and swollen, but I had cried all I was going to allow myself to. I had caused this, and I would have to live with the consequences. I didn’t try and hide the evidence; it would have been a fruitless endeavor. 

I strolled into Jenks’ office and announced my appointment to his secretary. 

“Edward Cullen. I have an 8:00 am appointment with Jason.” I stated; my voice still scratchy from crying. 

The brunette looked up from her computer and recognition was immediate.

“Well, well, the prodigal son returns.” The disgust was obvious in her voice.

“Well hello, Angela, it’s nice to see you too.” My words were sticky sweet, causing her to frown as she cocked her eyebrow at me.

Angela was Bella’s best friend in high school and, as far as I knew, probably still was. 

“Can’t say the feeling is mutual, Cullen.” The venom was gone, but she wasn’t necessarily nice either. 

“I’ll let Jason know you are here. You can just have a seat over there.” She pointed to a sitting area that was furnished with brown leather chairs and a coffee table that had numerous magazines on it. I decided it was better to listen to her now than to end up listening to her ranting at me over my mistakes, so I made my over to one of the uncomfortable looking chairs and sat down. She made no move to pick up the receiver to notify Jenks of my arrival. She just went back to typing whatever it was she was working on when I arrived. I huffed, but began browsing through the magazine selection, since it appeared I’d be here a while. 

My childish huff earned me another glare from Angela, but she did inform me that Jason was on a call and she’d let him know I was here the moment he was available. 

Fifteen very uncomfortable minutes later, she picked up the receiver. 

“Mr. Cullen is here to see you, sir. He has an 8:00 appointment.” Her tone was one of a consummate professional. 

A few minutes later, Jason appeared at his office door.

“Edward, my man, it’s good to see you.” He sounded like he meant it. 

I immediately rose from the chair, dropping the home builders’ magazine on the table before stepping up to shake his hand.

“Jason, it’s been a while.” We had spoken often, but I had not seen him in years. 

“Come on in, and let’s get started. I have to be in court at ten, but this shouldn’t take but a few minutes.” He gestured for me to enter his office first, so I nodded in Angela’s direction and thanked her. For what, I have no idea, but it seemed like something I should do. 

Once Jason closed the door, I spoke again.

“Actually, Jason, once these papers are out of the way, I’d like to get your advice on another matter. That is if you have time.” My voice betrayed me, and the nervousness came through. 

“Sure, Edward, let’s get these signed first, and I’m all yours for the next 45 minutes.”

He handed me a pen and flipped through the pages showing me the pink Post-it note arrows that indicated where I needed to sign.

I quickly signed my name on the various pages and when I handed him back the pen, he picked up the receiver on his phone and asked Angela to join us for a moment.

The look of panic on my face must have been obvious.

“Relax, Edward, I just need her to notarize the paperwork and your signature so we can file it. I can drop it off in Probate today, and we can get that closed fairly quickly.” 

I took a deep breath. Jenks knew what I was going to ask about; that was obvious.

Angela came in with her notary stamp and completed the paper work. Jason put the documents in a folder and slid the folder into the briefcase sitting on his desk. 

As Angela turned to leave, Jason asked her to hold his calls and let her know that I requested to extend the meetings. 

Angela didn’t even try to hide her glare from her boss. I’d heard the saying, ‘if looks could kill’ but until that moment, I’d never been on the receiving end of one. I think it was safe to say she knew what I would be speaking with Jason about. 

As soon as the door closed, Jason asked, “What else can I assist you with, Edward.” He was down to business. 

I stumbled over my words a few times before I actually got my question out.

“Can you tell me more about the laws governing parental right termination?” 

“What you are really asking, Edward, is about the reversal of a termination, am I correct?” He wasn’t going to beat around the bush.  
I just nodded my head. 

“Well, Edward, I’m not a family law attorney, but here’s the thing: you can’t sign away your legal rights as a parent in the State of Washington. The only way for someone to terminate their parental rights is to have another person step into that role. They would have to be willing to support the child financially and go through an adoption proceeding.”

My jaw was on the floor. “But I signed the papers six years ago!” I almost shouted in confusion and frustration. “I don’t understand…” 

He cut me off. “What you probably signed were papers entering into an agreed parenting plan that said you had no visitation. Since I wasn’t your divorce attorney, I wouldn’t be able to say with any degree of certainty without looking at it. You would have to contact Kate Denali to find out exactly what it was you signed, since it appears you didn’t bother to read them.” His tone was matter of fact. 

He was right, I didn’t read anything. I didn’t want to get involved in the process at all. I just showed up when and where I was told. 

The tears I promised myself wouldn’t fall again, were leaking from my eyes when the realization hit. Cam was still my son. 

Then another realization hit. “Wait,” I said excitedly, “that means that Benji can’t adopt Cam if I don’t sign those papers now, right?” I was on my feet pacing Jason’s office. 

“No. He won’t be able to adopt Cam without your permission to do so.”

The tears were flowing again, but this time they were happy tears. I might have tried to give him away, but I didn’t succeed. Bella had to know this, so why would she lie to Cam about Benji adopting him? I couldn’t see Bella intentionally lying to our son, so why? I needed to get those answers. 

I wiped the tears from my face and thanked Jason for his time. He told me, with a chuckle, not to thank him; he’d be sending me a bill. 

“Oh, Edward,” Jenks called, as I was leaving.

“You will be on the hook for child support for the last six years, though.” He offered the information like it was important.

“I could give a shit about money. She can have it all.” I stated with certainty. 

I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going as I walked out of Jason’s office: my thoughts were bouncing all over, so it shouldn’t have surprised me when I bumped into Angela just outside of Jason’s door. She’d obviously been attempting to eavesdrop on my conversation, so I took a chance and confronted her.

“Did she know, Angela? Did she?” The words were rushed.

She just glared at me.

“Tell me, damn it! Did she know that I’m legally still Cam’s father?” I shouted.

She nodded her head but did not utter a word.

“Why, Angela? Why would she promise Cam that Benji would adopt him if she knew I would have to sign the adoption papers?” My tone was still sharp but the volume was much lower.

“Well, daddy dearest.” I winced at the venom and words. “Since you made yourself perfectly clear in you desire to be rid of them six years ago, she didn’t think it would be an issue if she sent you the papers to sign.” She was beyond angry with me, and I didn’t  
blame her one bit. “She had her attorney draw up the papers for the adoption months ago, but your father died before she could send them to you.” Her voice was full of compassion as she spoke of my dad’s death. “She’s a wreck right now, Edward. After that meeting with you at the diner, her world turned upside down. She’s afraid, and rightfully so, that you won’t sign those papers now.” She was almost whispering but the anger was returning. “Sign them, Edward. Just sign them. Cam doesn’t know you, and he loves Benji. Benji has been there for him and loves Cam like his own child. Sign the papers, Edward.” She was pleading with me.

I shook my head, in answer and to clear the thoughts running through my head. I needed to be clear headed before I ran off and did something stupid, like confront Bella. 

“Angela, I appreciate the fact that you are her best friend, and that you are looking out for her, but I can’t sign those papers. I can’t, Angela, I just can’t.” I let her see the tear that escaped, but wiped it away quickly. “I know what I did was beyond fucked up. I know it. But I can’t give him up now that I’ve found him.” With that, I left the office and climbed in my car. I didn’t drive off; I just sat there. 

The more I thought about today’s revelation, the angrier I became. I was certain that everyone had to know that I was still legally Cam’s father: my dad, Aunt Esme, Alice, all of them knew and not one of them ever cared enough to clue me in. Had I known, I would have come back sooner. I would have told Bella I’d made a huge mistake and begged for forgiveness. Hell, I’m not sure I would have walked out of the attorney’s office that day, if I’d known. 

I grabbed my phone and quickly found Kate’s information in Google. I punched in the number and took a few deep breaths to attempt to calm myself down. After a few minutes, I pushed send. The receptionist answered with a cheery, “Good morning, Denali and Denali, How may I direct your call.”

“Kate Denali, please.” I responded, my voice sounding calmer that I felt.

“One moment please and I’ll connect you.” 

I heard a few clicks and was worried I’d been disconnected, but before I could look at the screen to check the connection, another cheery voice came on the line. 

“Kate Denali.” 

“Kate, this is Edward Cullen,” I stated.

“Edward, what can I do for you today?” Her voice gave no indication she knew why I was calling. 

“Kate, did you know?”

“Did I know what, Edward?” she was losing patience with me.

“Did you know that I didn’t actually sign away my parental rights six years ago, because in fact, you can’t legally do so in Washington?” I was losing my patience with her much quicker that I should be.

“Yes, Edward, being a family law attorney in Washington requires that I be familiar with the laws of the state,” she snarked at me. 

“Well then, why in the hell was I not informed of this six years ago?” I demanded.

“Well, Mr. Cullen,” she was done with me. “I attempted to tell you, many times, but you had your head so far up your ass you refused to listen to anything. I followed your instructions to the best of my ability and attempted to inform you on a number of occasions that Washington viewed parental termination as an attempt to dodge child support and would not alleviate that burden on deadbeat parents. You didn’t listen. I worked with Ms. Swan’s attorney to give sole custody of the child to Ms. Swan. She declined to seek any child support from you on the condition you never asked for visitation, so we added that clause to the decree. You signed it, so I assumed you finally read the damn thing. If you do not have anything else, Mr. Cullen, I am hanging up now.”  
I didn’t respond, so she disconnected the call. How the hell did I miss all of that? I truly believed I was giving up my son when I signed those papers. Signing them had been the hardest and most fucked up thing I’d ever done in my life. I didn’t want to read what I was doing, because I knew it wrong. At the time, I felt like I’d backed myself into a corner and didn’t have any other option. I’d said things to my wife in anger and fear that I couldn’t take back, so I tucked my proverbial tail between my legs and ran.  
Now, it looked like I would get the opportunity to fix my mistakes, well, at least fix this one. Bella may never had forgiven me before, but I’m sure now that I knew she couldn’t take my son away, she would probably never forgive me for what I was going to do, or not do. I would not sign those papers giving him to Benji, or to anyone, for that matter. 

Carlisle accused me of being selfish and maybe I am, but how I gave him up the first time, I will never understand. 

Selfish or not, I couldn’t do it to him, again. Somehow, I would find a way to make this right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love the passionate responses I’m getting in the reviews! I’m sure this chapter will get a few more of those! Yes, it is true; the law in Washington does not allow a parent to relinquish their rights for the reason stated above. 
> 
> I thought I’d share a few fun facts this time. I love the name Cam. My youngest daughter was almost named Cameron, and I would have called her Cam; my hubs didn’t like it. Cam’s name in the story is Cole, and that was Hailey’s name had she actually been a boy like the doctor told me she was. And finally, my black lab’s name is Cam. We call him Cam the Man. We got him for my hubs, to help offset some of the estrogen in the house! LOL He’s a momma’s boy though!!!! 
> 
> Again, no promises, but I can offer my gratitude for you taking the time to tell me what you think.


	8. My Wish

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn't me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!
> 
> To Sabrina and Fran: thank you both for your friendship and kind words and for helping me make this story better!

Chapter 8

I knew I had to speak to Bella, immediately. I'm not sure that the attorney - client privilege would extend to Angela any longer, since I confronted her as I was leaving. My bet was that Angela was on the phone before the door closed behind me.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself before I stared the car and began the drive to Bella's. It wasn't a long drive, but I knew I had to have my thoughts together before I got there. How in the world would I start this conversation? I could not go in there and act like the wounded man I was, but I could not go in there with a holier than thou attitude either. I was going to have to walk a fine line with Bella.

Before I knew it, I was turning into the driveway of Bella's house. There was no car in the driveway, but the only one that had been there earlier was the Mercedes I assumed Benji drove off in. I didn't hesitate when I came to a complete stop. I turned the ignition off, unbuckled my seatbelt, and opened the car door to climb out. Before I could get out of the car, I heard another door slam. I quickly stood up and turned to face the direction of the noise: Bella's front door.

She was standing on her porch, clutching a large manila envelope to her chest. Her hair was a mess, like she had been pulling at it, and her eyes were red and swollen. Still, she looked beautiful.

"Please, Edward, just sign the papers," she begged, shoving the envelope in my direction.

I calmly walked to the porch and up the steps and stopped once I was standing directly in front of her.

"Bella, I can't," I whispered as tears escaped from my eyes. "Please, you have to understand. I can't do this to him. I know I told you that I didn't want this, but I have never been so wrong in my life." I was struggling to maintain any sort of composure, but I didn't feel weak; I felt determined. "I made the biggest mistake of my life that day, Bella, I – I wish I could blame it on my youth, but we both know that wasn't it. I still cannot fathom what was going through my brain when I made that decision six years ago. But now that I know I didn't really give him up back then, I could never, ever, willingly do it now." My eyes were begging her to understand that I had grown, changed.

Bella was struggling to hold in the tears, but her efforts were unsuccessful. "Damn it, Edward, why? Why now? You've had six years to come back and claim your son and NOTHING," she shouted the last work. "But the minute my life, hell Cam's life, is going better than it ever has…" I winced at her insinuation,"you come barreling back into town. It's like you have a 'Bella is happy' radar and you decide you need to destroy my happiness once again!" She shouted as she threw the envelope over the banister, and then she took a few deep breaths before she continued. I knew I needed to let her have her say, so I stayed quiet. "What is it about me, Edward, that you feel the need to see me miserable?" she whispered softly. "I don't understand what happened or what I did to you to make you hate me so much," she continued through the tears. "There was a time when my happiness meant everything to you, Edward, why can't you remember that? Why can't you let me be happy?" she yelled. She was full on sobbing now.

I wanted to hold her, comfort her, but I knew that would not be welcomed. I wanted to tell her that I still wanted her to be happy, that I wanted to be the one to make her happy, but she would call me a liar, and she had every reason to believe I was lying.

"Bella, I swear to you, the last thing in the world I want is to hurt you again. But I don't want to hurt my son either, and you know that one day he will find out, and that will hurt him far more than this ever could." I pleaded for her to understand. "I'm willing to own up to all of my mistakes, Bella. I'm willing to sit him down and tell him exactly what abastard I was. I'm willing to take his hatred now, if it means that he will one day, maybe, be able to say, 'my dad really did love me after all.'" I finished, hoping against all hope that she knew that I was right about this. One day, it would be very important for Cam to know that his father admitted that he had made the worst mistake of his life before he was born, but he made amends for that and he loved him dearly.

"You know what, Edward? Fuck you and your "good" intentions." She actually used air quotes. "You know nothing about "your son". You know NOTHING about what he knows or how he feels. You know nothing because your ass has been in Chicago for the last six fucking years. He doesn't know you, and he doesn't WANT to know you. He wants Benji to be his dad and damn it, you can't take that away from him too."

With that she turned on her heel, ran back into the house, and slammed the door so hard, the windows rattled. I just stood there, staring at the door. I had no idea how to fix this. No, that's wrong, I knew how to fix it, I just wasn't willing to do what she wanted me to. I didn't want to continue to hurt her, truly, that was not my intention, but there is no way I would willingly give my son up again. I know she doesn't see it now, but I know what it would do to me if my own father had rejected me, twice. I just couldn't do that to Cam, regardless of what Bella thought of me. Hell, I didn't care what anyone thought of me for doing this. Cam was the important one here.

As soon as that thought hit my brain, I knew what I had to do. Cam was the important one. It was HIS feelings that mattered; more than mine, more than Bella's. Instead of leaving, I walked to the door and rang the bell. I needed Bella to finish this conversation.

After ten minutes of continuously ringing the door bell and knocking hard, until my knuckles were cracked and bleeding, I was just about to give up when I heard a car pull up. I turned to look and there, sitting in the driveway next to my car, was the same black Mercedes I saw this morning. I steeled myself, because I knew this was going to get very ugly, and I couldn't escape without walking right by Benji. I truly thought about running away, but knew that if my plan was going to work, Benji would have to be involved. I hated the idea of seeing him stand at Bella's side, protecting her; that was my job. But right now, I had to show her I was willing to do anything, including continually gutting myself, to make this right. Well as right as I could, given my ultimate fuckup in life. So I stood there and waited for him to approach.

"You need to get the fuck off of my property before I call the police." His voice was menacing. He didn't want to call the police; he wanted to beat the fuck out of me.

"Benji, listen man, I need to talk to Bella…and you. I want to do what is right by my son, and if what is right is to give him to you, then that is what I will do." I braced myself for the next words that I knew needed to be said. "But I won't do it without his consent." God I hoped this was the right thing to do. But it had to be his choice.

Benji stopped in his tracks and the front door opened. Bella had been listening.

"You want to ask a five year old to choose?" Her sweet melodic voice was soft, but sounded broken as she stood behind me. "He doesn't know you, Edward. You are just some name he's heard from Aunt Alice and Pop-pop over the years. You are nothing more than an image in a photograph. There are no memories behind those pictures for him. NOTHING, Edward, nothing for him and you want him to pick?"

I turned towards her voice, slowly. "Bella, love, it's not like that. I just want to know if HE had a choice to know his real father, if he would want to."

"Of course he would want to," Benji spoke up from the porch now. "He's gone without a father most of his life, and it's the one thing he wants more than anything. He picked ME to be his dad, Edward, ME, and I want that so bad. He is the kindest, sweetest boy I've ever had the pleasure of knowing, and he asked me to be his daddy, Edward; and of course I said yes." His voice was soft, and hewalked over to Bella and gently touched her check, wiping away the tears softly with his thumb. "As much as I hate this, baby, he's right. Cam needs to know or it will kill him later in life. When and if, he finds out that I took away the chance for him to know his real father, he will hate me and I can't let that happen. And you know that somehow he will find out, even if this son of a bitch isn't the one to tell him. I love you and I love him more than my own life. Enough to know that this, as fucked up as it is, is the right thing to do." Tears were flowing down his checks now. The gentle way he touched her and spoke to her told me more than any words ever could, just how much he loved her. The way she looked into his eyes told me she loved him back. My heart broke to see how much love radiated between the two of them. I knew in that moment that I would never win Bella's heart back. I had ruined the great love we had, and she now loved another. And he loved my son enough to do this for him.

Bella did not look at me when she spoke. She continued to look into Benji's eyes, seeking comfort from him and offering him comfort at the same time. "Edward, Benji and I will sit down with Cam and talk to him about this. You do not get to be a part of this conversation. If he chooses Benji, I will not have you in his life, at all. Benji and I get to decide what and how to tell him,and I will call you and let you know what he says when it's done." Benji kissed her gently and then they both turned and walked in the house, shutting the door behind them.

I stood on the porch, praying that my son would choose me even though I didn't choose him the first time. I knew Bella was right. I couldn't be a part of this. I had chosen to be an outsider and that would be my place, at least for now.I just put my future in the hands of a five year old boy and would have to live with the consequences of that for the rest of my life.

I finally pulled myself together enough to leave. As I started to back out of the driveway, I debated on which way to turn. I knew I couldn't go home and be alone; Ineeded to talk to someone. So I pulled out of the driveway and headed towards the one place I knew I would be comforted: Aunt Esme's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> Thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine. A big hugs and virtual cheek kisses to those who have been kind enough to review! I've tried to respond to you all, and if I missed you, I'm sorry! I'll get you this time around! Now you know you want to…so hit that little button and tell me what you think!


	9. Hell on The Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn't me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!
> 
> To Sabrina and Fran: thank you both for your friendship and kind words and for helping me make this story better and for their never ending patience with me and my perpetually late chapters.
> 
> Previously
> 
> I finally pulled myself together enough to leave. As I started to back out of the driveway, I debated on which way to turn. I knew I couldn't go home and be alone; I needed to talk to someone. So I pulled out of the driveway and headed towards the one place I knew I would be comforted: Aunt Esme's.

I pulled into Aunt Esme's drive and parked. I knew in the scheme of things, I did not deserve for Bella to even entertain the idea I presented to her, but she did, and I would take it, selfishly.

Esme greeted me with a hug and one look in my eyes; let her know I needed her.

"Come my sweet boy, tell me." Her voiced was filled with nothing but love: no malice, no judgment, just love.

I had promised myself there would be no more tears. Feeling sorry for myself was not an option, yet I allowed these tears to flow freely. They were not selfish tears; thesewere tears of relief. These tears spoke of finally doing the right thing after all these years: putting my son's well-being before my own wants and needs. These tears were not for me,but for the pain I caused Bella and Cam, both today and in the past. These tears were cleansing.

Esme listened to everything. She never judged me, and for that, I was grateful. She had become my mother in the absence of my own, andI was eternally thankful to her for everything she had done for me. She comforted me with small gestures: wiping the tears from under my eyes with a soft stroke of her thumb, soft hugs when she saw I needed one, a light squeeze of my hand when I shared my feelings. When I was finished relaying the morning events and reliving the past six years, she merely offered me a tight smile and hug. She knew there was nothing to say. I had no excuse for my behavior back then andcould not reassure me of the future. That lay wholly in the hands of Bella and my son.

While the last thing in the world I ever wanted to feel towards Benji was grateful, I knew I was. He gave Bella the push she needed to see that this was right for Cam. Benji put himself selflessly aside for the sake of my son. Something I'd never done before today. Yes, I had hopes that Cam would want to know me, and yes, putting this burden on the shoulders of a five year old was not ideal, but these were not wholly selfish actions. He does deserve the right to make decisions about his future, and I willingly put my future into the hands of a child. If he chose Benji, I would move on. I would leave this sleepy little town to him and his family. I would settle for whatever little snippets of his life anyone would willingly share with me. The choices I made in my life led me to this, and I would have to accept the consequences.

Esme and I were deep in conversation when Carlisle walked in the door. I felt the tension mounting with every step he took towards the kitchen where we were sitting with our coffee. I wondered if he had heard about today's developments. This was a small town and news spread like wildfire in an arid climate.

"Well, well, If it isn't Mr. Selfish live and in person," Carlisle stated with disdain, as he entered the kitchen.

I winced, but Aunt Esme immediately put him in his place.

"Carlisle, damn it!" she admonished him. "We've had this conversation. Edward has made mistakes, but he is working hard to fix things and make them right. Your ass needs to stop this. I've told you more than once, if you can't accept Edward, then you can't accept me. He is my family, and I will NOT have you continue to disregard that fact. By doing so, you disregard my feelings!" She laid into him like I wasn't in the room. It was obvious she had done this before.

"Es, I'm sorry," he whispered. "I know how you feel, but please understand, I can't keep watching him hurt everyone I love."

Esme looked angry. "So, because you decided that he hurt me, you get to be an ass and hurt me too? Can you say hypocrite, Carlisle?"

"I'm just leaving, Carlisle," I stated, calmly. I knew they didn't need my drama at the moment.

"Absolutely not, Edward!" Aunt Esme stated in a tone that left no room for argument. "You will not leave. You are my nephew, my son, and I will not allow for this from my husband." She looked pointedly at Carlisle, and he had the good sense to look properly admonished.

"Now, both of you sit your stubborn asses down." She pointed to the kitchen table I had just stood up from. "No one is leaving this room until we all come to an... agreement, if you will. I will not continue to have my family feel like this around each other." She was on a roll, so I dutifully sat my ass back in the chair as instructed. Carlisle hesitated for moment, earning a glare from his wife, before following her demands. And that's exactly what her words were: a demand. There would be no room for arguments. We would sit and work this out, here and now.

"Ok, you two," she began, "I have absolutely no idea how or why I allowed things to get so bad between the two of you…" I couldn't believe she was taking responsibility for the state of the relationship, or lack thereof, between Carlisle and me. "…I should have put a stop to this, years ago, and maybe things would be different.Edward,"she said, getting my attention, "I should have stopped coddling you and made you own-up to your mistakes long before now. An you, Carlisle," she stated much more calmly than before, "you need to stop holding everything against him. Maybe if you had stepped up to support him instead of harboring resentment, things would be different by now." I was shocked and dumbfounded by her words, andCarlisle looked over at me with a similar look on his face. This was not the loving, supportive woman who never raised her voice or showeddisappointment. This was a woman on a mission. One, you obviously didn't want to cross at this moment. I almost smiled at that thought. I really liked this side of her, and for once, Carlisle and I seemed to be on the same page.

For the next three hours, we all sat there and talked. Carlisle's tone started out hostile and angry, but at the end of the day, I had hopes that maybe, someday, Carlisle and I would be okay.

He elaborated on what he'd said to me in the hospital that day. I listened. I really listened to what he had to say, and I saw what he saw:the selfish bastard that I truly was. Then he listened. I told him about how I felt when my mom died, and how that always stayed with me. I told him, told them both, about my fears of never being enough. I couldn't save my mom and I couldn't stop my dad from hurting. I couldn't stop myself from hurting. I turned all of my energy towards two things: my career and Bella. As fucked up as it seems, I saw Cam as an obstacle when Bella first told me about him. All I had ever thought about since my mom's death was how I could keep others from feeling the same loss I did. I caught a lot of hell over the years for my choices, but I was so focused on that, I lost sight of what was important in my life. I wanted to make everyone proud of me, and in the process, did nothing more than disappoint everyone in my life.

I left their house feeling lighter, yet heavier. I had good intentions, the best of intentions really. I never set out to be the selfish bastard I turned into. Well, they do say that's what the road to hell is paved with. All I could thinkwas that I'd built one fucking long road to hell.

Benji held me after Edward left. He didn't say a word and just allowed me to feel all of the emotions that were coursing through my body. Hate, rage, guilt, and even love which only served to make me angrier at Edward and myself. Yes, even after all he put me through; a part of me still loved him and always would. No, I would not go down that road with him again, not ever. What he did was unforgivable, and that part of our lives was over. But I did have to consider my son. I refused to say our son, because all Edward had offered to Cam was his DNA. He had no idea what it was like to lose sleep because of a colicky baby. He had no clue which emotions ran through you when you saw blood oozing from the mouth of your baby. He didn't know the mortification of sitting in the emergency room listening to the doctor tell you that head wounds tend to bleed, a lot, and that it was nothing serious. His incoming teeth came through his gums a little faster than normal all because he decided he wanted to stand up on the coffee table only to lose his balance. He had NO idea what it felt to have a human being need you.

I was cursing Ed at this moment. Why couldn't he have hung on to life a little longer? If he had, I was betting Edward would have signed those papers, and we would not be here today. But knowing Ed, he did this on purpose. Fucking sneaky ass father-in-law!

No matter what my feelings were, I knew that Edward was right. Given that Edward wanted to be a part of Cam's life, if I took that away from him without talking to him, he would eventually hate me for it. I was sure he'd forgive me someday, but the thought of hate towards me running through my son was not something I'd be able to bear.

Benji and I talked until it was time to pick up Cam. He was so strong, butI knew this was killing him. He knew that the odds of Cam willingly giving up Edward were slim. He knew Edward did not deserve this chance, but he loved that little boy enough to hurt himself to ensure Cam had everything, everyone, he would ever need in his life. My love for him grew exponentially with his selflessness. He was truly a wonderful man, and I couldn't be more grateful to have him in my life and in Cam's. We were truly blessed. Not everyone possessed the strength this was going to take to get through. Benji went to pick Cam up from school, while I stayed at home and attempted to get myself together. We weren't going to put this off. We were telling Cam tonight and would let Edward know tomorrow. This was the only concession Benji asked for, and I willingly gave it to him. He has as much on the line as I do.

We decided that we'd take him for ice cream, and then go to the park for family time before we sat him down. We knew it would probably tire him out, and he'd be a little cranky, but getting a 5 year old to sit still for any kind of conversation was a tough thing to do. We'd be willing to live with the cranky if we were sure he heard and understood what we were telling him.

I was a nervous wreck when they pulled in the driveway. Why was I putting myself through this? I could easily put my foot down and say 'fuck you, Edward,' in fact I had done just that. Why didn't I hold firm? As they both came running in the house, my subconscious reminded me that this was really what was best for my son in the long run.

Cam was thrilled when we told him about our afternoon plans. In his innocence, he had not even thought that there would be an ulterior motive to our outing. He had no way to know that there would be life changing information coming his way. I could only hope and pray that this would go well. He was still just a little boy, and I didn't want to hurt my son, ever.

Cam was making another trek down the slide when Benji suggest we start this conversation. I stood at the bottom of the slide admiring my son. He was the spitting image of Edward. His auburn hair was windblown and out of control, just as Edward's had always been, whether he'd combed it or not. The piercing green eyes that showed happiness but still held a hint of sadness. When he reached the bottom of theslide, I laughed. His face still held remnants of the chocolate ice cream cone he'd enjoyed earlier, and he was out of breath from playing so hard. He was picture perfect. Innocence and little boy all wrapped up in a messy package. God I love this little boy.

Benji kneeled down in front of the slide and asked, "hey, buddy, can your mom and I talk to you for a minute?"

"Sure, Benji, what's up?" Cam smiled at him and quickly wrapped his arms around his neck showing Benji that he wanted to be held.

Benji grabbed him and stood up, and we walked side by side over to the park benches. Cam was carefree, but Benji and I were beyond tense. We'd talked at length about how to say this to him, but it still didn't make it any easier. Once we were at the benches, we sat down, and Benji positioned Cam in his lap so that he was facing both of us.

"Hey, bud," I started, "Benji and I have something to tell you." I took a deep breath, attempting to steady my nerves before continuing. Cam just stared at me with a puzzled look on his sweet face.

"Well, baby." My heart was beating out of my chest. "Ok, you know how you missed having a dad before Benji came along?"

He just nodded.

"Well, what if I told you that your father, the one that helped me make you, came back and wanted to see you?"

Cam just looked dumbfounded.Tears welled up in his green eyes, and my heart broke even more than I ever thought possible.

I knew I had to get this out before he asked questions.

"Remember Edward?" I asked

His teary eyes were huge. "You mean Aunt Alice's brother, Mommy?"

"Yes, baby boy, Aunt Alice's brother. He's the one who gave you to me, and he would like to know if you'd like to see him sometime." I was fighting the bile that was threatening to come up from my stomach.

"But does that mean Benji doesn't want to be my daddy anymore?" he asked through tears, with all the innocence of a child.

"Cam, I promise you, no matter who comes in and out of our lives, I will always want to be your daddy," Benji said through tears. "If you want to get to know your father, it won't change how I feel about you, kiddo."

"Will you still be my baseball coach?" he sniffled.

"You silly, silly boy, nothing would make me happier than to be your dad and your baseball coach."

"Mom, what if I don't like Edward? I mean he didn't like me when I was born, so what if he doesn't like me now?" His tears had stopped.

The questions didn't shock me like they should have. I had never spoken ill of Edward to Cam, but it didn't surprise me that he felt this way.

"Cam, Edward didn't know you when you were born, or I'm sure he would have loved you very much," I half lied to my son. Edward never met him; that was the truth, but Edward never loved him. I refused to have my son ever know that fact.

"Ok, Mom, as long as I can still have Benji as a daddy too, I guess Edward can come see me sometimes." It was all very matter of fact. I was nervous about his reaction or really lack of reaction. Maybe that was just his way, or maybe it would come back to bite me in the ass. At that thought, my son surprised me once again.

"I can't wait to go to school tomorrow and tell everyone I have two daddies!" he said with the biggest grin I'd ever seen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> The tidbit about Cam and the blood and the mortification: all true courtesy of my older daughter …about 19 years ago. I still find it hard to believe, but I am amazed by her daily and thankful I managed to get it right often enough.
> 
> Thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine. Big hugs and virtual cheek kisses to those who have been kind enough to review! I've tried to respond to you all, and if I missed you, I'm sorry! I'll get you this time around!
> 
> Now you know you want to…so hit that little button and tell me what you think!


	10. A Little Bit Stronger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously
> 
> “Ok, Mom, as long as I can still have Benji as a daddy too, I guess Edward can come see me sometimes.” It was all very matter of fact. I was nervous about his reaction or really lack of reaction. Maybe that was just his way, or maybe it would come back to bite me in the ass. At that thought, my son surprised me once again. 
> 
> “I can’t wait to go to school tomorrow and tell everyone I have two daddies!” he said with the biggest grin I’d ever seen.

Chapter 10 

I was honestly stunned by his reaction. There was no sense of rejection, no sense of sadness once he realized Benji would still be around; it was just pure unadulterated joy that emanated from my little boy. I guess I had done a good job of sheltering him from Edward’s betrayal. I never wanted him to feel rejected or unloved. I only wanted him happy, and I guess that’s what I got. I wanted to be overjoyed at this, but I couldn’t let myself be. The rat bastard was getting his son back and unfortunately for me that meant he’d be back in my life; a fact that I was having a difficult time stomaching. I didn’t think it was possible to hate anyone as much as I hated Edward Masen. 

Benji was slightly mollified by Cam’s disappointment when he thought it meant he couldn’t have Benji, but Cam’s reaction stung. I spent a few years wallowing in self-pity after Edward walked out. He all but destroyed my faith in myself, as well as my faith in men. How could I ever trust another man after what happened? When the love of your life just walks out the door when things get tough, how do you ever understand? Yes, I cried many tears over Edward, but I refuse to cry anymore; Edward didn’t deserve my tears, not then and certainly not now.

I’d tried dating after I pulled myself out of the depression I sunk into after Edward left, but men just didn’t flock to a single woman with a child. Most men my age were just looking for a good time, and I was at a point where that was okay with me, for a while. Love was not something I ever saw happening for me again, but I really missed companionship and sex. Having a man hold me, even if only for a few hours, was something I needed; something I wanted. One night stands were not for me, but I met two men who became, for lack of a better word, fuck buddies. It wasn’t easy taking that step the first time. I felt like I was cheating. I’d never even kissed another man when I married Edward, so actually allowing myself to be intimate with anyone else was tough.   
Garrett was my first encounter after my divorce. I met him through mutual friends and knew he wasn’t looking to settle down; he had just gone through a divorce. A night out with friends fueled by plenty of vodka and I ended up in bed with him. I cried for two days straight. Alice kicked me in the ass and reminded me that I was a young single woman with needs, and if I found someone to help with those needs occasionally then she was thrilled for me. A few weeks later, more vodka led to more sex with Garrett, and this time, I let myself really enjoy it. Garrett and I carried on like that for about six months before he moved. I never expected more and certainly never introduced him to Cam. It was the same with Tyler: an alcohol and sex filled ‘relationship.’

I met Benji at the bank when he first moved to Forks. I was transferring funds from my settlement with Edward so I could put a down payment on the house. I didn’t like to use that money; I wanted to save it for Cam, but the house was perfect for us so I broke down and went to the bank. 

Benji was the one who handled my transaction, and after determining I was single, he asked me out. I really thought it would be the same old, same old, but thought he was cute enough, so I said yes. After our first date, he called for a second and a third and here we are now. Benji had been a godsend. I definitely wasn’t looking for love when I met him, but it happened anyway, slowly. Benji was patient and kind and everything I needed in my life. He didn’t push for more but willingly accepted it when I was ready to give. He told me he decided he was going to marry me the day I finally introduced him to Cam. I should have known that my sweet little boy would be the one to seal the deal.

Benji held me all night while I voiced my concerns over Edward becoming involved Cam’s life. We talked endlessly over how to handle the situation. We could easily keep Edward away, but what if he sued for visitation or worse, custody? I didn’t think there was a judge on the planet that would give Edward either, but I’d seen enough of our judicial system to know that judges make life altering decisions every day and rarely do they make sense. In the end, we decided it was best to honor our son’s wishes and allow him to meet Edward. We then moved the discussion to ground rules that should be established, and decided to make sure those were filed with the court so we would have legal recourse if Edward violated any of the terms. At the end of the night, Benji and I decided that he would be the one to sit down with Edward. I’d make the initial call, but Benji would handle the details. It’s not that I couldn’t do it, but we thought Benji would be the better choice in case Edward decided to push for more. Edward wasn’t stupid enough to try that with Benji. 

I awoke the next morning still exhausted: mentally and physically. Benji left early since he’d taken most of the day off yesterday so it was just Cam and me for breakfast. I had taken a leave of absence from work. Cam was in kindergarten now but only went part time. I wanted to spend time with him without the worry of lesson plans and grading papers before the reality of full-time school and activities kicked in. And, I had a wedding to plan, so Benji and I decided that my not working for a year would allow for a less stressful experience. 

I want the ‘big wedding’ this time. Well, not so much big as traditional. The guest list is small: close friends and family, but I am wearing a wedding gown, and we will have a reception. 

“Mommy.” My son’s voice brought me out of my thoughts. “So, Aunt Alice’s brother is really the daddy that helped make me, and he wants to see me again?” he asked simply.

I kneeled in front of the chair he was sitting in and lightly brushed the hair from his forehead before I responded. I needed to tread very carefully.

I attempted to keep my tone neutral for his sake. “Yes, Cam-bo, Edward did help make you, and I will call him today so he knows you’d like to see him,” I choked out. 

“Can I talk to him, Mom?” he asked, excitement building in his voice.

“Not today, Bud, the grown-ups have to talk about things first, and then you can talk to him.” I tried to come off as nonchalant. 

“Please?” he begged, “How will he know if he likes me enough to be my second daddy if I can’t talk to him, Mommy? Please!” My heart broke at his words. I knew then that I needed to get past what happened before and put my son first.

“Ok, baby, ok,” I attempted to soothe him, “let me call him and talk to him first, and then you can talk to him. But, Cam-bo, please know that he’ll love you because you are so loveable!” I tried to lighten his mood a little bit by tickling his tummy. He just jerked away, but he did look a little more relaxed.

“Will you call him now, Mommy?” he said, sadly. 

“Sure, Bud, I’ll call him while you finish eating and when I’m done, you can have your turn.”

I walked out of the kitchen trying to hold back the tears that were threatening. I didn’t count on Cam needing this the way he seemed to. He’d always been so happy, carefree, and when Benji came into our lives, he was content with our little family. I thought for sure that would be enough for him, but I was wrong. I should have listened to everyone when they told me that he would ask about Edward one day. I thought that I would be enough for my son, and then Benji came and life was destined to be perfect, finally. I don’t think I was wrong, but I also underestimated the desires of child to know the who and the why. If it wasn’t happening today, it would happen someday. 

I scrolled through the contacts on my phone, pausing briefly on Benji’s name. I should call him first since we had a plan, but I knew I had to talk to Edward before Cam finished eating so I kept scrolling until I got to the Es and found Edward’s number. I let my thumb hovered over the send button for a moment while I took a deep cleansing breath to prepare myself. I hit send as I exhaled. 

“Bella?” His voice whispered groggily. I’d woken him up. Good, I thought. His sleepy state might cause him to be as unprepared for this as I was. 

“Edward.” I tried to sound cool and collected when I was anything but. “I wanted to let you know that we talked to Cam last night, and he’d really like to see you sometime.” There, as much as I hated it, it was out there.

I heard rustling in the background and for a moment, allowed myself to remember what he looked like when he was scrambling out of bed. His auburn hair, mussed from sleep; his tired eyes, still half closed; his chest bare while his sleep pants hung low on his hips. His words brought me out of my ridiculous daydream. That was a long time ago, and I had no plans to ever revisit that again. 

“Wow,” he said softly, his voice filled with wonder and awe, “I didn’t think you would talk to him so soon, and I certainly wasn’t sure what he thought about me, so him actually wanting to meet me... I have no words, Bella.” I could hear the emotion welling up in his voice. 

“Edward, he wants to talk to you on the phone in a few minutes, but first, we have to set a time for you to meet with Benji.”

“Benji?” he questioned. “Why Benji?”

“Edward, we discussed this at length after we talked to Cam last night.” I took a deep breath. He needed to know Cam’s reaction to the news. He needed to make a decision right now because there was no way in hell he was going to build my son up, only to walk out again. “Edward, you need to know that Cam is very excited about this. He can’t wait to go to school today to tell everyone he has two daddies now.”

“Two daddies?” He sounded unsure.

“Yes, Edward, two daddies. You need to understand that Benji has been a father to him, and Cam is really looking forward to us getting ...” He cut me off.

“Bella, I do remember him telling me that. It’s the only conversation I’ve ever had with my son, and it’s not one I’m likely to ever forget, for a lot of reasons. I was actually amazed he said daddy when referring to me.” 

“That’s all fine and good, Edward, but you need to understand. I will not let you waltz in here, build up his hopes, and then leave at the first opportunity to bolster your career.” 

“Bella, I would never, I could never.”

“Edward, I’m not rehashing things with you, but you could and you did, so forgive me if I don’t trust you to stick around. You have no clue what commitment and love look like, Edward. Cam does and he expects it. He, hell I demand it from you on his behalf.”

He remained quiet. He knew I was right, and I could only pray that I would never have to help my son through that kind of betrayal. 

“Bella,” he finally spoke quietly, “I can’t tell you how sorry I am, and how much I regret what I did, so please know, I will never do that him. I know you don’t trust me, and you have every reason not to, but I will not run again.”

For some reason, the emotion in his voice had me almost believing him. People fall in and out of love all the time, but I couldn’t imagine Edward getting to know Cam and then leaving him. Of course I never, in a million years, thought he could do it to me, but as a parent, the love of a child and for a child, are priceless and indestructible. I would have to put my faith in that fact. 

“So back to the meeting.” I tried to turn the conversation back to the matter at hand. “Benji is willing to meet with you after work sometime, today even, to discuss the terms and conditions of you coming into Cam’s life. We want to have official papers outlining the agreement and we will file the agreement in court.” I waited for him to argue.

“If that’s what you feel you need, then that’s what we’ll do. I just ask for time with Cam. As the relationship builds, I would like to add more time, but I’m willing to take whatever you are willing to give me at this point.” He sounded sincere, but then again, he was behind the eight ball here. “I can meet Benji tonight, if that works for him. Just have him call or text the details, and I will be wherever, whenever.”

“Ok, you should expect to hear from him soon.” 

Cam came into the living room, his face full of syrup. I let a giggle escape at the sight of him; one day he may actually get more in his mouth than on his face.

“Is it my turn to talk to Daddy Edward yet?” His excitement was almost contagious. Almost.

“Sure, Cam-bo.” I tried to sound excited for him.

“Edward, I’m putting Cam on now,” I said into the phone and immediately passed the phone to my son.

He took it from me, a little more tentatively than I expected, and slowly raised it to his ear. “Hello, Daddy Edward? Are you really the one who helped my Mommy make me?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> Thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine. Big hugs and virtual cheek kisses to those who have been kind enough to review! Now you know you want to…so hit that little button and tell me what you think, (pretty please)!


	11. Tracks of My Tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PLEASE READ THIS
> 
> My wonderful Beta, Fran, asked, and of course, I said yes to writing an outtake for Stand up 4 Katalina. If you haven't heard, Katalina is a fellow fanfiction lover who has requested this compilation to raise money for Stand Up 2 Cancer. Not too long ago, she received a devastating diagnosis: lymphoma, lung, bone, and adrenal gland cancer-small cell, stage 4 with a 6 month prognosis. Unfortunately many of us have been personally affected by this devastating disease. For me, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer in February. We have been lucky and he has responded well to treatment and we've passed the original prognosis and hope to have many months more. I wish I could say years, but that's probably not in the cards for us but I am thankful for the time we do have. There are many wonderfully talented authors who are donating to this cause and I ask that you check out the webpage and consider making a donation. http:// katalina.fandomcause.info / about /
> 
> Again, thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine. Big hugs and virtual cheek kisses to those who have been kind enough to review, it truly means the world to me that you take the time to let me know what you think! Now you know you want to…so hit that little button and tell me what you think, (pretty please)!

I choked at my son's words. "Daddy Edward." He called me Daddy. Tears began to make a path down my cheeks as I tried to answer him without letting him know just how affected I was by his innocent words.

"Hi, Cam," I said softly, trying to hide my tears. "Yeah, Son, I did help Mommy make you, and I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to seeing you again soon."

In that moment, I truly understood what Smokey was saying about the tracks of his tears. I couldn't let anyone know just how much this hurt, especially Cam, because I had no one to blame but myself.

"Okay. I just wanted to make sure," he stated matter-of-factly. "So when can we do something? My other daddy, Benji, you remember him, don't you? He's coaching my baseball team, so maybe you can help him. All the other kids will be so jealous cause I have two dads!" He was rambling excitedly as my heart skipped a beat over his excitement and the jealousy his words brought about. He called Benji his daddy. I had to admit that Benji had been more of a father to my son that I'd ever thought about being until now, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"I don't know Cam. I'm sure Benji is looking forward to coaching your team to spend more time with you, and I don't want to interfere. Maybe you and I can come up with something of our own to do to spend time together." I tried to change the direction of the conversation. I'm sure neither Bella, nor Benji would be thrilled at my involvement with this father/son activity. I know any involvement with Cam was going to create chaos between the three of us, and I didn't want to make this more difficult for anyone.

"You don't want to coach my team?" Cam sounded heartbroken. Damn it! I wasn't trying to hurt him; I only wanted to make this transition easier for everyone. I didn't count on the innocence of my son.

"I promise you, Cam, I would love nothing more than to be one of your coaches," I said honestly. "I just didn't want to hurt Benji's feelings." I felt like I was reaching, but couldn't let him think I didn't want to spend time with him. "I'm supposed to talk to Benji soon, so I'll ask him about it, okay?"

"Okay!" His excitement was obvious. I knew I'd end up being an assistant coach. There was no way Benji was going to hurt him by saying 'no'.

All too quickly, Bella took the phone from Cam. Of course I could hear Cam arguing with his mother over having to get off the phone, but she held firm and took the phone from him.

"I'll have Benji let you know when," she stated evenly and hung up.

I was over-the-moon happy that I was going to get to be a part of my son's life and would do whatever they asked me to. I had hurt Bella enough in the past, and I refused to be the one to cause her anymore pain, even if it tore me in two having to watch my family with someone else.

After I composed myself, I called Esme to fill her in on the developments. She was happy for me but warned me to tread lightly. I had no rights, as far as she was concerned, to disrupt their lives further. She let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I should not ask for more. She told me I was 'one lucky fucker' to have gotten anything at all and warned me that if I fucked up this time, she'd castrate my ass. God, I loved that woman. She stood behind me, right or wrong, but didn't hesitate to tell me I'd get my ass kicked if I fucked up anymore. After our confrontation with Carlisle that day, she and I talked openly and honestly about my behavior over the years. From the selfishness as a teenager, to the ultimate betrayal I heaped on Bella, we covered it all,and how it made her feel. She didn't hold any of my teenaged stupidity against me. She said teenagers couldn't help being stupid; they didn't have the life experiences to help them balance the knowledge they gained every day. Stupidity and selfishness are expected from teenagers. Adults, however, should have enough experience to make good decisions most of the time. She asked me why I had made the choice I did six years ago, and I told her that I honestly couldn't answer that question. Looking back, none of my reasons made sense to me today. Fear of letting my mom down by not keeping my promise to her; fear of not being man enough to handle it all; anger at Bella for disrupting our plans; fear of failing Bella; none of those feelings made sense anymore. We talked about how my fears of failure caused me to fail at the things that were most important in my life. I told her that I craved her honesty as much as her support, and let her know that I needed her moral compass to help guide me on this path I chose. She promised to never blindly support me again. I would never lose her support, but she would kick my ass when it needed to be kicked.

Waiting on Benji was hell. I busied myself settling into the house. I had to decide what I was keeping of dad's and what I was donating. Alice and Jasper had taken everything they wanted already, so the rest was mine to do with what I wanted. The Salvation Army truck was due to come by the next morning, so I spent the rest of the day placing colored sticky notes on the furniture I decided to donate. Surprisingly, this took my mind off of everything, so when my phone chimed alerting me to a new text message, I didn't even pause to look to see whom it was from. I absent-mindedly clicked on the envelope and was greeted with the words, 'Diner, 5:30 tonight. Don't be late; I'd like to get home to my family.' There was no need for a signature. Even though I didn't recognize the number, I knew exactly who it was from. My stomach lurched, from both the nervousness of what I was undertaking and the fear of this man: the man who held my heart in his hands and could crush it without a second thought. The fact I knew he'd rather do just that than allow me to be a part of 'his' family just spurred the anxiety. I swallowed my fears and responded to Benji's text letting him know I'd be there.

I checked the time and discovered that it was almost 5:00. That was a good thing; I didn't have time to wallow in my thoughts. I decided to head over to the diner so that there was no chance of being late. Traveling from one end of Forks to the other usually took all of five minutes, but with my luck, I'd get stuck in the first traffic jam in the history of this town and miss out on my opportunity to make things right in my life.

I arrived at the diner at exactly 12 minutes after 5:00. I debated on sitting in my car until it was time but decided I should go in. I situated myself in a booth in the back corner and ordered a cup of coffee. I definitely didn't NEED any coffee, I was jittery enough, but was hoping the comfort of a cup would help soothe me. Five minutes later, the man who controlled my destiny walked in the door and was greeted with enthusiasm by the few patrons in the dinner. My own entrance went virtually ignored. Well fuck, why couldn't he be a bad guy? I had enough demons to conquer without having to go up against St. Benji.

He glanced around the restaurant, either looking for me or a quiet place for us to talk. When he gazed in my direction, I waved my hand to get his attention. He nodded to let me know he'd seen me but didn't immediately approach the booth. He spoke to a few more people and to Rosalie, who had just made her way out of the kitchen to greet him with a hug. Again, that little green monster reared his ugly little head. This man had waltzed in and taken over a life I didn't realize I wanted. I wanted to be greeted with affection, not distain. I wanted to walk down the street with my son and have people smile at me, not glare at my audacity. I wanted what I threw away, but I knew I had a long way to go before I deserved it.

Finally, Benji made his way over to me.

"Edward," he stated with no emotion in his voice.

"Thank you for meeting with me," I said, hoping he would hear the sincerity in my voice.

"Unfortunately for me, this is what Cam wants, so let's just get to the point, Edward," he began. "You need to know, I don't like this, any of it. I don't like you, but I suppose I owe you for giving me Bella and Cam. They own me heart and soul, and they feel the same about me."

My heart sunk a little further with his declaration. It wasn't something I didn't already know but hearing him say it, out loud, made it more real.

"Benji, man, I know. Believe me, I know this," I started, but he interrupted me.

"Ben, call me Ben, please. I can't convince Bella that Benji makes me sound like a ten year old, but I do prefer Ben." He almost sounded friendly.

"Ok, Ben," I continued, "I know that I have no right to any of what I'm asking, but as I've been told, time and time again, I'm a selfish bastard, and I'm more than willing to take this from you."

Ben snickered, somewhat humorlessly, at my self-assessment.

"I'm not going to argue with you there, Edward."

"I know what I am, and I swear to you on my son, Ben, I'm trying to change that. I know asking for this doesn't make it seem like it, but it was the only way, and you and Bella obviously agree to some extent, or else you wouldn't be here. Cam will have questions one day, and I'd like to be around to answer them. As bad as I fucked up, I never want that little boy to blame himself for my fuck-ups. I hope you believe that."

"I don't think I have a choice but to believe it at this point, Edward. Bella and I talked about this, about how important putting Cam first is, and how you were right: one day he will ask and wonder. But I'm telling you here and now; you fuck this up with him and I'll bury you. Not one person in this town would testify against me even if I sold tickets to it and they got to watch. They'd cheer, help me dig your grave, and go back to their lives like nothing ever happened, so do not, for one second, think there is anything to stop me." He was dead serious.

"Look, man, I know you don't trust me, and I know I have a long way to go to earn, or deserve, anyone's trust, but I will not do anything to hurt that little boy."

"We'll see, I suppose." He was obviously hesitant to believe me. "Well, I've had our attorney draw up a visitation agreement." He placed his briefcase on the table, opened it, and pulled out the paperwork. He didn't hand it to me right away.

"This is legally binding, Edward, and either you agree to the terms, or we will fight you. This is non-negotiable."

"Ok, but do you mind if I take a day to look this over? I will agree to anything but giving him up; I just need to know what I'm agreeing to."

"Take your time, but you won't see him until this is filed with the court, Edward."

"No, I'll have it back to you tomorrow; I just need a little time." I couldn't wait to see Cam, but I knew I wouldn't see him tonight and there was no way I'd sign anything without Jason looking it over.

"Well, I guess you'll let me know tomorrow, and we'll work out a time for you to see Cam." His calm demeanor was betrayed by the pain in his eyes.

I knew I had to let him know about Cam's request before Cam surprised him and hurt him with his enthusiasm.

"Ben, one thing before you go," I started hesitantly, "I spoke with Cam this morning, and he had a request." I was struggling. Even though I'd really like to punch him for taking my family, I knew he loved my son…and my Bella. He didn't deserve to be hurt. "He wanted me to help coach."

The look on his face told me just how much this tore him to pieces.

"Look, I tried to discourage him, I swear I did, and I'll go along with whatever you decide; I just wanted you to know before you got blindsided."

He looked defeated in that moment. He realized, no matter how hard he tried, or what he did for Cam, I would always be there whether it was in person or not. A son would always want his father around, whether he was deserving or not.


	12. Father Gigure

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Previously  
> “He looked defeated in that moment. He realized, no matter how hard he tried, or what he did for Cam, I would always be there whether it was in body or not. A son would always want his father around, whether he was deserving or not.

Ben left, and I decided to order food and go over the agreement. The waitress, Liz, came back by, and I ordered a BLT. As soon as she walked away, I opened the envelope that held the details of my future relationship with my child.   
I was immediately taken back. Ben said it would be filed with the court; I just wasn’t ready for it to look so official. It took me back to the day I signed very similar papers. The dissolution papers that ended my marriage, and I thought were terminating my parental rights.

Superior Court of Washington  
County of Clallam

In re:

Isabella Marie Swan Petitioner,  
and  
Edward Anthony Masen Respondent. No. DM-082006

Petition for Modification/ Adjustment of Custody Decree/ Parenting Plan/Residential Schedule  
(PTMD)

Para. 2.14: check box if petition is attached for:

[ ] Order for protection DV (PTORPRT)  
[ ] Order for protection UH (PTORAH)

This is a petition for an order modifying the prior custody decree and approving my proposed parenting plan/residential schedule, which is filed with this petition.

I started to question the fact that this was a modification but realized that I actually signed the original decree and schedule when I thought I was giving him up. The thought pained me. I still could not fathom how I thought he would be a burden. I wanted to thank the powers that be for saving me from my own stupidity and not allowing me to give up my son, legally anyway. Shaking my head in an attempt to clear my thoughts, I continued reading.

Isabella Swan, mother of Cole Anthony Masen-Swan, residing at 2032 Jefferson Lane, Forks, Washington, hereafter referred to as ‘the mother’ or ‘Custodial Parent’ of the abovementioned Child.

Edward Masen, father of Cole Anthony Masen-Swan, residing at 1581 Jefferson Lane, Forks, Washington, hereafter referred to as ‘the Father’ or ‘Non-custodial Parent’ of the abovementioned Child.

My heart skipped a beat at seeing father after my name. Something I hadn’t been but wanted to be so very much. I would earn the right to be called his father. Better yet, I would earn the right to be called daddy. 

Liz brought my sandwich to the table and asked if I needed anything else. I declined, not looking up from the papers in front of me. She left and I continued to peruse the agreement. When I got to the part about visitation, I was nervous. How much time would they allow me to spend with him? Tears began to flow down my cheeks once again when I read my future.

Continuing and timely contact between parent and child is crucial for the maintenance of the psychological tie. Visits are designed to improve the parent and child’s relationship.   
My heart fluttered. This was really going to happen.

Visitation shall occur as follows:

The non-custodial parent’s visitation rights will extend from 8:00 am Sunday to 5:00 pm the same day.

I was going to have my son once a week. Part of me was disappointed that I wouldn't have him more often, but I knew this was truly a gift. I would focus on the ten hours I would have him to myself. 

All visits are documented. Visits which are not kept, are canceled, or rescheduled are documented with the reason for the change.

If they thought I would not keep up my visits for any reason, they were sadly mistaken, but I understood the reasons they didn't trust me. I couldn't blame them.

Visits may be held in the home of the non-custodial parent or relatives or in a public venue suitable for abovementioned child’s age.

Visits shall not be canceled or rescheduled by the father for reasons other than emergencies or unexpected changes in work schedules.

I would rather quit my job than miss a day with Cam, but given my profession, work could interfere some. I wonder if Bella and Benji would really be willing to reschedule if I had to work one Sunday. I have to believe they would given the fact they are doing this for Cam, not me.

The non-custodial parent shall have not have visitation rights for any major holiday.

Again, I would focus on the ten hours a week he was with me. I had no right to ask for holiday time, but it didn’t quell my disappointment. I would love to have some time with him on Christmas. Maybe the next few months would show Bella how serious I am about this. I will never hurt either of them again.

The non-custodial parent shall spend as much time with the Child as possible and agrees not to leave the Child in the custody of other people or any environment, other than a homely environment.

Both parents undertake to avoid arranging any activities that can interfere with the schedules of the other parent set forth in this child visitation agreement.

The non-custodial parent shall inform the custodial parent in the event of any unforeseen circumstances that may prevent him from exercising his visitation rights during the year.

If the non-custodial parent fails to arrive at the times specified in the child visitation agreement, the custodial parent will only wait for one hour and will consider the visitation cancelled unless prior intimation is provided by the non-custodial parent. Failure to do so on two consecutive occasions within a period of 90 days without notice, all visitation will stop until (1) a Court Order to restore visitation rights, or (2) the non-custodial parent intimates the custodial parent through a written notification sent by registered mail, requesting his desire to resume visitations from a specified date.

In emergencies, both parents are authorized to take any steps in order to protect the health and welfare of the Child.

Both parents agree to cooperate fully with the terms and conditions set forth in this Child Visitation Agreement. Each parent hereby agrees to set aside any personal feelings and maintain a level of tolerance and harmony for the welfare of the Child, even though he/she may consider the other parent as being less considerate or reasonable. Love and affection for the Child shall be the primary objective of both parents who must understand the need to share it between them in the Child’s best interest.

Neither parent shall say anything of a derogatory nature against the other in the presence of the Child. Both parents hereby agree to refrain from making statements that may tend to dissuade the Child from spending time with the other parent.

This Child Visitation Agreement is binding on both parents and supersedes any other oral or written child visitation agreements.

Both parents hereby declare that they have understood the terms and conditions of this child visitation agreement of their own free will.

WARNING: Violation of residential provisions of this order with actual knowledge of its terms is punishable by contempt of court and may be a criminal offense under RCW 9A.40.060(2) or 9A.40.070(2). Violation of this order may subject a violator to arrest.

Signature (Custodial Parent)___________________________

Signature (Non-Custodial Parent)________________________________

I finished reading and decided that there was nothing I was overly concerned about. I had to admit they were more generous than they could have been. I wouldn’t need Jason to look it over, so I signed my name. I immediately felt relief.   
I realized that Sunday was just three days away. I wondered if I would be able to begin my visitation this week. The thought both thrilled and terrified me. Cam seemed so excited spending time with me, but I was so unsure what that meant. I didn’t want to be his friend; I wanted to be his father, but we would need time to get to know each other and I needed to learn how to establish boundaries with him. I didn’t want to screw up with Bella and piss her off by spoiling him too much, but I wanted to spoil him a little bit. Fuck. How was I going to do this without royally fucking up? 

I knew where to get the answers I needed, but wasn’t sure how. I looked at my phone, hesitating for a moment, before I decided to man up and just call. 

“Hello?” the sweet voice on the other end of the line said with a hint of a question.

“Bella, it’s Edward.”

There was no response.

“Bella, please don’t hang up,” I begged, “I just needed to tell you that I signed the papers.”

I looked at my phone to see if the call was still connected; the silence on the line was almost deafening. The screen told me I was connected, so I continued, hoping she would stay on the line.

“I’m sure you didn’t expect me to call, but I need to talk about how this is going to work.” 

Finally, I heard a small sigh in my ear. 

“Edward, I thought the papers were clear.” Her tone was even. 

“It’s not the agreement, Bella. In fact, you’ve given me more than I deserve.”

“Edward, first you need to understand that this is not about you. It’s about what Cam wants and what’s best for him.” The exasperation was evident in her voice.

“I understand that, Bella, truly I do, and that’s why I called. I’m scared. I don’t want to screw this up,” I admitted.

“Fine, why exactly are you calling?” She sounded resigned, and that hurt more than the indifference and irritation. She felt she didn’t have a choice in any of this. I guess maybe she really didn’t. I didn’t want to continue hurting her, yet I was. Balancing my son’s needs and desires with my promises to never hurt either of them was not going to be an easy task. 

 

“Bella, I’m sorry. I don’t want to keep hurting you, but it seems I can’t stop, no matter …”

“Edward, stop, NOW!” she whisper-yelled, interrupting me.

“I do not need, nor do I want your apologies. I’m doing this for my son, not to make your life easier. If Cam had said he didn’t want to see you, I would have fought this to my dying day. You need to know this.” She wasn’t trying to hide her hatred for me any longer. “I will support my son through this. I will not speak ill of you; I haven’t said an ugly word about you to him ever, and I won’t start now. I will smile and laugh and do whatever it is that I need to do, Edward, but I will not pretend that you have a chance in hell of being more than Cam’s father. You will not be a friend; you will not be involved in my life, outside of seeing each other when the occasion calls for it. You will keep your distance from me, Edward Masen.” 

“Bella,” I almost whispered, “I just want to make sure I don’t fuck up with him. I won’t interfere in your life, I swear it. I get it: I fucked up too badly with you. But I want to make sure I don’t overstep with Cam. I don’t want to assume something is okay when it’s not. I don’t know him, Bella.” I admitted. “I need your help.” 

With another resigned sigh, Bella said, “Tell me what you want Edward.”

I decided it would be in my best interest to keep things ‘professional’ for now. 

“Ok, Bella, I would like to give you, or Ben, the signed agreement, so I can start seeing Cam as quickly as possible. I’m also concerned about spoiling him. I don’t want to give too much, or too little. I don’t want to be his friend, Bella, I want to be his father, and I don’t know how to do that.”

“Thank you, Edward.” Her voice was a little softer, now. “That truly means a lot to me.”

It was quiet for a moment. I was unsure how to continue.

“Why don’t you drop the papers off here tomorrow, and we can discuss the questions you have.” She was back to her unaffected tone. “I’m not sure Ben can be here, but…”She paused briefly. “I will have to learn to deal with you on parenting Cam if this is going to be successful. Benji takes Cam to preschool at 8, so you can come by at 8:30.”

“Ok, Bella, I’ll be there at 8:30.” I stated, trying to sound unaffected but certain she could hear the emotion in my voice.

With those words she said good-bye and hung up. 

Tomorrow I would begin my life as a father. I hoped that by reaching out to her, she would see that my intentions were good. I didn’t want to be a week-end dad forever; I wanted to be a real father. I wanted to share in the joys of parenthood, but I also wanted to share in the trials and tribulations that came along with it. It was important that Bella and I worked together, as parents, to make sure than Cam always felt love, but also that I held firm to the boundaries she had established. Maybe, someday, I would be allowed to establish some of those on my own. I wanted to have a say in what was best for my son, and I would do my best to earn that right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N  
> Because this is a work of fiction, I have modified the format to better flow with the story. The legal document language was taken from the state of Washington’s Court System website and from other state agreements. Washington’s format was difficult to use in the story. 
> 
> Washington shifted from the concepts of custody and visitation toward the belief in what it refers to as 'residential schedules' in the Washington State Parenting Act (Chapter 460, Laws of 1987). Courts will defer to parents who can come to a reasonable agreement, but if the parents are incapable of compromise, the Court will create a residential schedule after taking a look at various factors including the relationship of the child with each parent, needs of the child, each parent's ability to parent, and wishes of the child (if the child is deemed of sufficient age to express a desire). In addition, under RCW 26.09.187 Courts will consider 50-50 split parenting plans where the child will split her time between both parents.
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine. Big hugs and virtual cheek kisses to those who have been kind enough to review! Now you know you want to…so hit that little button and tell me what you think, (pretty please)!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn’t me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!   
> Fran: I cannot thank you enough for your friendship and kind words and for helping me make this story better. You find my boo-boo’s and make my story better. And your never ending patience with me and my perpetually late chapters is appreciated more than you will ever know.   
> Sabrina, my wifey: Your ego boosts are always welcome!  
> Life has been particularly busy and crazy lately, and I’m a few weeks behind on …well everything! I’m hoping for a little more “me” time now that soccer is over—for now anyway. I’m back to just my regular brand of crazy. 
> 
> Previously
> 
> Tomorrow I would begin my life as a father. I hoped that by reaching out to her, she would see that my intentions were good. I didn’t want to be a week-end dad forever; I wanted to be a real father. I wanted to share in the joys of parenthood, but I also wanted to share in the trials and tribulations that came along with it. It was important that Bella and I worked together, as parents, to make sure than Cam always felt love, but also that I held firm to the boundaries she had established. Maybe, someday, I would be allowed to establish some of those on my own. I wanted to have a say in what was best for my son, and I would do my best to earn that right.

Chapter 13 

I didn’t sleep a wink. I tossed and turned and went over and over what I wanted to say to Bella, most of which would not be a good idea. She made it perfectly clear on the phone how she feels about me. While her hating me with such passion hurts, at least she feels something. Hatred is an emotion, at least. I can’t imagine how hard it would be if she didn’t feel anything.

At 5:00 am, I gave up trying to sleep and got in the shower. It had been so long since I’d had sex that my typical morning wood was painful. I thought about rubbing one out to relieve the tension but decided to turn the nozzle to cold instead. Showing up at Bella’s after beating off to the images that my mind conjured up of her would be a very bad idea. I would feel like she could see right through me, and she probably would.

After I shut the hot water off, the frigid temperature had my cock shrinking and taking refuge inside of my body. I showered in record time and promised myself a little relief later. That is if my cock every decided to make an appearance again. At this point, I wasn’t sure that it would. 

After finishing my morning routine, I went down to the kitchen and started a pot of coffee. I was going to need it to get through the day since I had to go to the hospital to talk to human resources so I could start working next week. Getting my license activated in Washington wasn’t difficult, but it did take a little time.

The morning was dragging by. I made myself breakfast, oatmeal with fresh berries, and I tried to eat, but my nerves got the best of me, so I ended up dumping most of down the disposal. By 7:30, I had run out of patience and was pacing a hole in the floor of my kitchen. I decided to try driving around to try and steel my nerves. The conversation I was going to have this morning was THE most important one I’ve ever had in my life, and I could only hope it went well. 

At ten minutes after 8:00, I found myself sitting in my car watching Bella’s house. I had pulled up just in time to see Ben drive off with my son. I hated that he was the one who woke up to my family every morning. I have no one to blame but myself for it, but it didn’t mean that I had to like it either. Five minutes later, I said ‘fuck it’ and pulled into the driveway. I hoped Bella wouldn’t get pissed because I was early, but I could not stand the wait any longer. 

Standing on the porch, I paused and took a deep breath before I knocked on the door. Bella opened it almost immediately. 

“I wondered how long you were going to sit down the street watching the house,” she stated. There was no malice in her voice. 

“Well, I was a little nervous about coming here, and truthfully, I’ve been trying to stop myself from just coming over since about 5:00 am.” I chuckled nervously. 

“Well, then I’m glad you hung out on the street.” She almost sounded a little playful, but I wasn’t going to read anything into it. I’m sure she was just as nervous about this as I was. 

“Well, come on in. I have coffee ready,” she said warily, and I heard her mumble under her breath something that sounded suspiciously like ‘let’s get this over with.’ I’m sure she was as anxious as I was but with different reasoning. 

We walked into her kitchen, and it reminded me of our kitchen when we were married. A deep rust paint graced the walls, and there were golden yellow accent pieces on the light granite counter tops. A rich brown tile decorated the floor but there were smaller off-white stone tiles where the larger ones met in the corner. I am no decorator, but I remembered walking through the home improvement stores with Bella when we were in college. Bella had our dream kitchen picked out, and would describe it in detail. This was it. When we were married, we didn’t have the income to afford the top amenities, so she created our kitchen on a shoestring. This kitchen obviously had a much bigger budget. Again, something I’m sure Ben gave her that I never did, not that Bella was ever concerned about money. 

I sat down at the table and Bella placed a cup of coffee in front of me. 

“Do you need cream or sugar?” she asked, even though I was sure she remembered I drank it black.

I decided to remind her. “No, Bella, I still don’t take cream or sugar.”

“Well, you never know how things might change,” she stated, the double entendre obvious.

“Looks can be deceiving,” I stated. “Some things never change, even when it appears they have.” Let her chew on that for a while. 

“Well, Edward, we’ll have to agree to disagree on that.” 

There was no room for argument, and I would be stupid to keep the conversation going in this direction, so I started with the reason I came here today.

“Bella, I can’t thank you enough for giving me time today.” I began, but Bella started shaking her head. I continued, hoping she would listen to me. “I know. I know, but please let me get this out. Being a good father to Cam is my priority here, you need to understand that, but I do not want to cause you any more grief over it. I know this is tough on you…” she shook her head again.

“Edward, you really don’t have any idea what I’ve been through because of you, or what I’ll have to endure once again because of your return, but I love my son. You need to understand that I have zero desire to be around you at all, but I will continue to endure the unpleasantness of your company for Cam. Make no mistake, Edward, I will never enjoy our interactions. However, as a parent, you will learn that we often have to face difficult situations and be okay with them. If, and when, you see me smile in your direction, it’s for Cam, not you. You will do well to remember that.”

“Ok then,” I stammered out. “I’ll just get this over with for you.” I forced myself to remain calm. I was already breaking all the rules I set for myself. 

“I honestly know nothing, Bella. What does he like to eat? Is he allergic to anything? How much is too much candy? Does he take naps? Is there anything he needs? I’m not even sure what questions to ask. I’m a fish out of water here, Bella. Please, please, tell me whatever it is I need to know to be a good father.” I was rambling and begging and a tear escaped my eye before I realize how emotional I was becoming.

“Edward, first of all, most parents have to find out the answers to those questions on their own, and you will discover that most of those have fluid answers.” She began. “To answer the most important one: no, we haven’t found anything Cam’s allergic to, yet. You’re a physician, Edward; you know how to handle a situation should one arise. But you will also learn that no matter how much training you have, all bets are off when it’s someone you love.” She paused and a strange look crossed her face. After a moment, she began again, and I knew why she had looked like that.

“Well, I don’t know, you may have already had to treat a girlfriend or something, but it’s different when it’s your kid. I watched a dear friend of mine, who is a nurse, totally forget she had medical training when her son fell from the monkey bars and broke his arm. She was in full mother mode; the nurse in her was nowhere in sight.” 

I wanted to tell her that there had been no love in my life since I walked out on her. I wanted to shout it from the rooftop that she was the only one I’d ever loved, and the only one I would ever love.   
Hearing her chuckle a little brought me out of my musings. 

“I should let you learn the hard way, Edward, but Cam and candy are not a good mix, so I would limit the amount you allow him to have. We do let him indulge occasionally, but he tends to get overly hyper and a little tough to deal with when he’s on a sugar high. You’ve met him; he doesn’t need any help to be more hyper.” Her laughter was contagious, and I found myself laughing right along with her. 

“Well, I’m extremely grateful you chose to impart that bit of knowledge to me,” I said through my own laughs. It was very liberating to laugh with Bella in the midst of all of the turmoil. It gave me a little hope that, maybe one day, we might be friends as well as co-parents. Yeah, I Googled that co-parenting shit. 

I thought I’d take advantage of the more relaxed atmosphere and ask a more serious question. “How do I not screw up, Bella? I mean, obviously, you’ve done a great job with him, and I certainly don’t want to undo any of your hard work.”  
I looked at her like she’d lost her mind when she started laughing even harder. My mind started to think back to my abnormal psychology classes, searching for information on stress behaviors. 

“If you don’t screw up ten times a day, you’ll be a better parent than most people. I screw up all the time, Edward. Parenting is not an exact science. Just take this on like you would a new patient you are trying to treat. When one thing doesn’t work, try something else. Life is trial and error. The trick is to learn quickly, and own your mistakes. A child needs to know it’s okay to make mistakes, as long as you learn from them. I apologize to Cam when I’m wrong. The best parent will lead by example.” Her giggles subsided, and she was a little more serious now.

Well, I guess that does make sense, perfect sense, actually. 

“Just go with your gut; no one expects you to be perfect at this. I don’t expect perfection, just love him; that’s all I ever wanted.” A tear threatened to escape her eye, but she quickly wiped it away, and her harsh exterior was firmly back in place in a matter of seconds. For the second time today, Bella gave me hope. 

We talked for another hour, and she even showed me Cam’s baby album. That shocked me, which didn’t escape her notice. She said that as long as I was all in for Cam, she would make every effort to be supportive of my efforts.   
As I was getting ready to leave, she got a little nervous, and it was obvious she wanted to say something else. 

“Just spit it out, Bella. I think we’ve opened up the lines of communication here today.” I said, trying to hide my disappointment at the change in her demeanor.  
“Well, Edward,” she stuttered. “I wanted to address the um… people you bring into Cam’s life.”

Resisting the urge to roll my eyes, I started to respond, but she cut me off.

“You can’t call this hypocritical, Edward. I’ve raised Cam on my own for most of his life, and Benji is a father to him.”

“Bella, if you would let me speak, you would know that I was trying to tell you that, currently, there is no one in my life.” I paused to think about how to say the next words. “I’m assuming you don’t mean my family since they are already a part of his life, and I have no plans to have strangers running in and out of Cam’s life, or mine for that matter. As far as you and Ben, I get it, Bella. I really do.

We said an awkward good-bye after making plans for me to pick up Cam on Sunday. When I got into my car, I breathed deeply. This was really happening. On Sunday, I would get to have my son with me. Even though the custody plans didn’t give me a lot of access, I knew that in time I would get more time with him. I was also very hopeful about rebuilding some sort of relationship with Bella, and for the first time in a lot of years, life was really looking up for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> We will see a little time jump in the next chapter, so we can get on with a little more action! 
> 
> Thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine. Big hugs and virtual cheek kisses to those who have been kind enough to review! Now you know you want to…so hit that little button and tell me what you think, (pretty please)!


	14. That's My Life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn't me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!
> 
> To Sabrina and Fran: thank you both for your friendship and kind words and for helping me make this story better and for their never ending patience with me and my perpetually late chapters.
> 
> Well, just when you think it's going to be just the regular crazy in my house, my daughter goes and makes the ODP pool. (Olympic Development Program) – more soccer, more time and of course, more money! LOL
> 
> Previously
> 
> We said an awkward good-bye after making plans for me to pick up Cam on Sunday. When I got into my car, I breathed deeply. This was really happening. On Sunday, I would get to have my son with me. Even though the custody plans didn't give me a lot of access, I knew that in time I would get more time with my son. I was also very hopeful about rebuilding some sort of relationship with Bella. For the first time in a lot of years, life was really looking up for me.

Chapter 14

Over the last few months, my relationship with my son had gotten stronger. The first Sunday we spent together was thrilling and fun and…real.

When I went to pick him up that morning, I was greeted by a very somber looking Ben and a very hyper Cam. Bella was nowhere to be found. I spent so much time trying not to think about Bella's relationship with Ben, having him answer the door in his pajama pants served as a strong reminder. He was living my life. Every night, he got to tuck my son in. He went to bed with my Bella and got to wake up to her every morning. As much as it pained me, I knew he touched her, loved her, and gave her pleasure.

I was forced to remember when Bella gave herself to me for the first time. We'd whispered promises of forever, of only being with one another for the rest of our lives, and yet, here she was living with another man. The logical side of my mind understood that I'd touched,and been touched by others since, and I was the one that drove her into another man's arms, but my heart still hurt at the thought. Love truly knows no logic.

While I didn't plan on spoiling Cam every time I picked him up, I did want our first time out as father and son to be special. Bella had given me some ideas, so I knew she was okay with this. As hard as all of this was on her, I knew she wanted our son to be happy and loved, and I promised her that he would never be anything but.

Cam and I started the day at the diner. He wanted the pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream. I hesitated briefly, remembering Bella's warning of Cam on sugar. I should have hesitated longer and ordered him eggs and bacon. The boy was hyper anyway, on sugar? I have no words. It's a good thing our plans involved the arcade atPlay World. In addition to video games for all ages, it also had jumpers and blowup play worlds in different themes. Bella said it was his favorite place to go, and I had never been happier when I saw the look on his face when we pulled into the parking lot. True joy has a definitive look, and I was blessed with seeing it on my son's face.

"Daddy Edward? You're taking me to Play World?" he half asked, half stated,as he bounced up and down in his booster seat. I didn't even have the car in park before he was out of his buckle. I hated having to fuss at him on our first outing together, but his safety took priority, so he got a stern talking to. Well, sort of.

"Cameron Anthony," I said as sternly as I was comfortable with. Well it came out as more of a question. "Would your mother let you get out of your seat before the car is turned off?" I asked him, again trying to be stern, but I could tell by the smile on his face that he wasn't concerned with facing my ire.

"Sorry, Daddy Edward, I won't do it again; I promise." A sudden look of panic crossed his face. "Daddy Edward, please don't tell my mommy I did that! She'll be so 'pointed' in me." He wasn't crying, but he definitely looked scared."

"Cam, I doubt your mom could ever DISappointed in you." I emphasized the dis because, as cute as his mispronunciations were, he did need to learn to speak correctly. "But, Son, we can't hide things from your mom. It's not fair to her, but we will make sure she knows you won't do it again, right?" He shook his vigorously but still looked a little panicked.

"Ok, Son, let's go have some fun!" With that, he grinned from ear to ear again and excitedly "pulled me" through the parking lot toward the entrance.

The day was a huge hit, but it was absolutely exhausting for both of us, so when I pulled into Bella's driveway, he was conked out. I was also ready to drop.

I carefully lifted him from the car, trying hard not to wake him. As soon as I was holding him on my hip, he nestled his head into my neck. Even though I was exhausted, I wanted to stand there all night and hold him. I probably could have, honestly. I felt like a father for the time in my life, and it was a feeling I never wanted to forget. One I knew I never could forget. Early fall in the northwest meant that the temperature dropped rapidly when the sun went down, so I hurried to Bella's door and pushed the doorbell. The door immediately swung open, and Bella looked slightly disappointed to see our son sleeping on my shoulder. With a resonating sigh, Bella stepped aside and motioned for me to come in. Ben walked out of the kitchen and into the foyer attempting to take Cam from me, but I shook my head.

"May I please carry him to his room? I'd love to be able to tuck him in tonight. We had such a wonderful day." In my attempt to be quiet, I hoped I didn't come across as too desperate, but in reality, I was.

Ben glanced over at Bella, and she nodded her assent, so Ben turned to lead me to Cam's room. His room was off to the right at the top of the stairs, directly across from Bella's. The door was open and I couldn't help but look in. The bed was unmade, and it made my heart sink. Bella was never one to leave an unmade bed, so I knew they'd spend the afternoon there. I looked back to find Ben staring at me with one eyebrow raised. I simply shrugged and walked into Cam's room.

I took a moment to glance around and smiled at how 'little boy' it was. The walls were painted to resemble a baseball park. One wall had the diamond and outfield, and there were 'players' in each position. On the two adjacent walls, there were 'people' in the stands, and on the opposite wall, there was a dugout. The bed looked like the bench where the players sat and there were real bats and gloves hung throughout the painting. It was truly a work of art. It also reminded me that I should have him help me plan a room at my house. I knew it would be a long while before he would spend the night with me, but I wanted him to have a space of his own. I also knew I needed to discuss this with Bella. I didn't want to cause her headaches if Cam were to start begging to stay with me. After today, I knew it wouldn't be long. We'd both had a wonderful time.

A throat clearing behind me brought me out of my thoughts and reminded me of the sleeping boy in my arms. I walked over to his 'dug out' and carefully pulled back the covers and laid him down. I slipped his shoes off, tucked the covers around him and kissed his check while whispering, "Good night my son, I love you so very much,and I had such a wonderful time today."

I turned to walk out of the room, while Ben and Bella both kissed his cheeks good night.

We all went back down to the kitchen, and Ben offered me a cup of coffee. I declined, telling them that I had to work in the morning, but they asked me to stay for a few minutes to tell them about our day.

Excitedly, I relayed all that we had done, and they laughed at my reaction to the sugar high caused by the pancakes. Both Bella and Ben were impressed with how I handled the seat belt incident, and they promised not to give him too hard of a time over it,since I'd taken care of it like a pro. Bella's words, not mine.

I left feeling lighter than I had in a long time. I started at the hospital the next morning and time flew by. I was thankful for that, otherwise, I would have lost my mind waiting for the next Sunday.

The next few Sunday's were spent just being normal. Bella had given me the okay to set up a room for Cam, so he and I spent time looking at magazines and perusing the home improvement store in Port Angeles for ideas. We weren't going to do anything as elaborate as his room at Bella's, but we decided to continue the baseball theme. The boy was nuts about baseball.

Thanksgiving was lonely for me. I decided to head to Seattle to visit Jasper and Alice instead of going to Aunt Esme's. Carlisle and I were getting along better after he unloaded on me that day, but the relationship was far comfortable. Not that my relationship with Alice and Jasper was much better, but I was working on it.

Neither of them was happy that I'd stayed in Forks, but they were both happy to see my relationship with Cam blooming. Alice never mentioned Bella unless it was in context with my son, but I got the feeling she approved of the relationship I was beginning to form with him.

Bella and I weren't necessarily friends yet, but we were experts at co-parenting. I never wanted to overstep my boundaries with Cam, so I called Bella for every little thing, at first. One day Bella finally put her foot down.

"Damn it, Edward, you do not have to call me every time he asks for a snack. Grow some balls and make decisions. I might not like all of them, and if a problem comes up, we will discuss it." I stopped calling all the time.

It's now two weeks before Christmas, and I've finished my Christmas shopping. That was the one time Bella called me. At first, I was panicked, thinking something was wrong with Cam, but she just wanted to discuss his Christmas list. She didn't want to double up on things, unless it was something he could keep one of each at our respective houses. In the end, we decided that Santa would bring two bikes, one to each house, and I'd purchase the Lego sets he was asking for, while she got the video games. I already owned the same system they did. Well, I owned all of the systems available. I had lived the life of a single man for a long time.

That day started off like any other day. I was working that night, so I slept as much as I could before I went out to do the grocery shopping.Once that was done and I was on my way home, I drove by a Christmas tree lot and decided to stop and pick one up. Cam and I could decorate it on Sunday. I took my purchases home, put away the groceries and placed the tree on the back porch. I didn't want it to dry out in the heat. Little did I know that was the last bit of normalcy that I would have for a while.

When I arrived at the hospital, things were beyond chaotic. The icy roads had struck again,and there had been a motor vehicle accident involving four cars.

I quickly scrubbed my hands, and walked into the ER to help out. My heart stopped the moment I entered. In one of the beds was Bella, with her head bandaged, cradling a frightened, crying Cam. I ran to the bed to check on them both when I saw the tears flowing down her cheeks.

"Bella, are you okay? Is Cam?" I did not even try to hide the panic in my voice. She shook her head, looked up at me and begged. "Edward, please, you have to save Benji! Please don't let him leave me, too!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N
> 
> Thank you to all who have followed and favorited this little story of mine. Big hugs and virtual cheek kisses to those who have been kind enough to review! Now you know you want to…so hit that little button and tell me what you think, (pretty please)!


	15. More than Miles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously 
> 
> "Bella, are you okay? Is Cam?" I did not even try to hide the panic in my voice. She shook her head, looked up at me and begged. "Edward, please, you have to save Benji! Please don't let him leave me, too!"

"Bella, are you okay? Is Cam?" I did not even try to hide the panic in my voice. She shook her head, looked up at me and begged. "Edward, please, you have to save Benji! Please don't let him leave me, too!"

Chapter 15 – More Than Miles

After ensuring Bella and Cam were both okay, I went up to the surgical floor to see what I could find out. While I'm one of the best at what I do, general surgery is not my field, so I would leave that to the experts.

When I arrived on the floor, I saw Shelley Cope, our best scrub nurse, exiting OR 2. One look told me what I needed to know. "Hey, Shell, what can you tell me?" I asked, already knowing Ben was gone, but I needed to be able to give Bella answers.

Shelley told me that he was gone upon impact. He had taken the full blow from the oncoming car on his side. She listed his internal injuries, which were bad enough on their own, but combine them with a head injury, and Ben didn't stand a chance. I asked who the surgeon was, and with one eye-brow cocked, she informed me it was my uncle. As if I ever doubted it.

Carlisle exited the OR looking very somber. He approached me slowly, almost warily, and with a slight nod of my head, I let him know I was already informed of Ben's death.

"Edward," he said sadly. "I tried, so hard, to save him, but I just couldn't do enough." He paused, and a tear fell from his eye. "How am I going to tell her, Edward? How am I going to break that woman's heart? She's had to endure too much in her lifetime." Carlisle looked genuinely broken. This was not a side of him that I was used to seeing. Most of what I saw from him was contempt.

"I'll tell her, Carlisle," I said,before I actually thought it through.

A small but sad smile graced his lips momentarily. "Edward, why would you want to do that?"

I nodded. "I truly don't wantto tell her, but I feel like if she needs to be angry with someone, I deserve her anger, and I'm willing to give her whatever she needs."

"That is the most unselfish thing you have ever done."

To say I was shockedwould have been an understatement. I tried to hide my surprise but doubt I was successful. Having Carlisle compliment me in any way was something I wasn't expecting.

I tried to speak but was too choked up, so I merely nodded, acknowledging Carlisle's compliment. He returned the gesture and placed his hand on my shoulder, giving it a small squeeze, before walking away.

It was a small but important gesture in our relationship. He gave me more hope in those few minutes than I'd had in a very long time.

I shook my head in disbelief before remembering that now I was left with informing Bella, as well as Cam, that Ben was gone. Fuck my life.

I slowly made my way back to the emergency room. The thought of causing Bella more pain was killing me, but not more than the thought of what it was going to do to my son. They loved him. They were making a life with him, and as much as that thought pained me before, I was happy that they were able to find happiness in the wake of my destruction.

Bella's eyes found mine the moment I walked in the room. One look was all it took. She knew. She immediately began to shake her head,repeating no over and over again. Cam was looking back and forth from me to her, and I could see the panic in his eyes. He was a bright child and had recently lost his Papa Edward, so I know he knew before I could say the words.

Unfortunately, I was an expert at delivering bad news to families, but I'd never had to do this when I was emotionally invested. I sucked it up and walked over to them,preparing myself to deliver the horrendous news.

"Bella, I'm so sorry."

"Please, please, don't do this, Edward; I'm not sure I'll survive," she begged.

"Daddy Edward, what's wrong? Why is Mommy crying? Where is Daddy Benji?" My son sounded panicky. I kneeled down and took Cam's hand in mine.

I knew how to do this. It was part of my job, and I knew it had to be said. It wouldn't be real for them until someone said it out loud.

"Bella, Cam, I talked to Carlisle. He tried. He really tried to save Benji, but his injuries were just too severe." I choked up but continued. I looked between Bella and Cam, trying to make this easier on both of them, but I knew there was no way to deliver this news and make it easier.

"You know Carlisle, and you know he's the best, but despite his very best efforts, Benji didn't make it."

The scream that came from Bella was guttural, animalistic. Cam looked a little confused but I think he understood. I quickly picked him up from his place on her lap. He was crying and needed comfort, but Bella wasn't in a position to help him in that moment. This was the most important job I'd been given as his father thus far, and I needed to be his rock. I needed to be Bella's rock, too, that is, if she'd allow me to be.

Taking a chance, I moved to sit on the bed next to Bella and pulled her into my side. She didn't resist, not that I really thought she would in that moment. With Cam in one arm and the other wrapped securely around Bella, I just held them close and whispered how sorry I was. I wanted to tell them it would be okay but I knew they wouldn't be able to see that right now.

We sat there for a while before Carlisle came in.

"Edward," my uncle said softly, "I called Esme, and she's going to meet you at Bella's."

I looked at him questioningly. "We need to get the okay from the attending first; don't we?"

"She and Cam were cleared to leave before you came back down." He informed me.

I was pissed. I could have taken them out of here instead of having their grief on display for the whole damn hospital.

"Why the hell didn't one of these nurses let me know? Did they have fun watching my family fall apart?" I said between clenched teeth, all the while fuming. I didn't want to startle Bella or Cam, who now was sleeping on my shoulder.

"Calm down, Edward," he said soothingly. "They didn't want to disturb you. Everyone here loves Bella and Ben, and they were at a loss as to what to do. We all thought you handled it wonderfully."

I truly believed hell must have frozen over in that moment. Two compliments from my uncle in the same day. I didn't think I'd get two from him in my lifetime.

I whispered to Bella that I was going to take her home and she went into full blown panic.

"No, please God, don't take me home. I'm not sure I can handle being there alone," she begged.

"Bella, love, Aunt Esme is going to be there waiting on us. We won't leave you alone, but it's not going to get any easier, Baby, and Cam really needs to be in his home." I whispered in her hair as I held her.

At the mention of Cam, Bella immediately stiffened in my arms.

"Oh God! Cam. I'm a horrible mother," she said through her tears as she reached up to stroke his back softly.

"Calm down, he's ok, or he will be. You let me worry about him right now. You need to worry about you."

"Edward, just because times are tough doesn't mean you can forget about your responsibilities to your child," she spat.

Angry Bella had arrived. I was expecting this, but it still caught me off guard.

"Bella, I know. I know. I'm not saying you can't be here for him, but as his father, I'm here as well. I just meant you don't have to do it alone." I tried to smooth the feathers I'd just ruffled.

Tears were streaming down Bella's cheeks again.

"Edward, I'm sorry. I know you are just trying to help. I shouldn't have lashed out at you."

"You do whatever you need to do, Bella. I'm here for Cam, and I'm here for you. Whatever you need," I stated more confidently than I actually felt.

"Thank you, Edward. It means a lot. Really, it does."

I swallowed hard. Hell had truly frozen over: compliments from Carlisle and now this from Bella.

With nods from all the staff, we made our way out of the hospital. I managed to put Cam in his booster seat without waking him and then helped Bella into the car.

She'd stopped crying by the time we reached her house, but wasn't saying anything. She didn't even acknowledge Esme when she came around to help her out of the car while I carried out the still sleeping Cam. Bella walked silently into the house; shewas functioning physically but not mentally. Esme led her into the living room while I took Cam up to his room. I laid him on his bed and draped his favorite Cars blanket over him.

I glanced around his room and noticed his baseball glove sitting on his dresser. My heart hurt so much for my little boy in that moment. I remembered how excited he was at my dad's funeral. He told be all about how Ben was going to be his coach. He even invited me to share in their time. Sure, I hated the idea of him loving another man, but Benji was there for my son when I wasn't, and for that, I would be eternally grateful. And my son loved him.

Ben and I had come to an agreement over the months. I would help out with the baseball team when I could, but I wouldn't be listed as a coach. My schedule at the hospital was erratic and committing to the team would be difficult. As long as I was out there some, we thought Cam would be okay with it. One day, Cam and I would have our own thing.

I wasn't going to let my son down now. He would have me out there coaching his little league team, and if the hospital didn't like it, oh well. My son would come first. He needed me, and I would be there for him. I would call the little league office in the morning to find out about signing up as a coach.

After one last glance at my sleeping son, I made my way back to the living room where Bella and Esme were drinking tea. At first I thought I'd wandered into an alternate universe. They were both laughing hysterically.

I stood in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt. They were obviously remembering some good times, and Bella needed that right now.

A few minutes later, Bella's laughter turned to tears again, and Esme noticed me standing in the doorway watching them.

"Edward, why don't you come join us? We were just taking a walk down memory lane."

I think Esme was subtly telling me what Bella needed right now, or maybe there was nothing subtle about it. Whatever the case, I really didn't need her reminders. I learned selfishness gets you nowhere in life, and those days were long gone.

I couldn't offer any stories about Benji, but I stayed andlistened to every one of them. I never flinched, even as Bella talked about the way he made her feel, and how much she was going to miss him holding her, making love to her. When she broke down about being left alone in life, again, I just held her while she cried.

We'd been sitting there about an hour and a half when Bella finally just passed out cold on the couch. Emotions had exhausted her, much like they had done to Cam. Esme had excused herself to the kitchen to see if she could find something to rustle up for dinner.

I watched Bella as she slept. She was obviously dreaming of Benji. Her restlessness and small cries in her sleep attested to that. I wanted to do more to comfort her but had no idea what to do. After a few minutes, I heard Cam call for Bella from his room, so I gently brushed Bella's hair from her face and placed a soft kiss on her temple, before I turning to retrieve our son. As I stood to leave, I heard Bella whimper again. I softly touched her cheek and then she spoke in her sleep again. I froze in my tracks.

What I heard made my heart stop and then begin to beat wildly. I was grateful for my relationship with my son, and I was content to be Bella's friend. Well as much of a friend as I could be. I didn't dare hope for any more than she'd already given me. I didn't deserve this much, but I would forever treasure it. But what I heard escape from her lips as she laid dreaming, offered up a ray of hope that I couldn't help butgrab on to.

"Edward, please, Edward, don't leave me again."

I walked back over to where she was sleeping, placed another light kiss on her temple and whispered. "Never, my Bella, never again."

Another cry from Cam brought me back from my thoughts, and turned and made my way up to my son.

AN

I posted once, and forgot to add my A/N.

Sabrina and Fran – thanks so much for hashing things out with me and giving me valuable feedback. I can't tell you enough how much your friendships mean to me!


	16. Don't Make Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We all know who owns the characters and anything that resembles Twilight – and that definitely isn't me. That, my friends, is a damn shame!
> 
> To Sabrina – my wifey, and Fran – the best Beta anyone could ask for: thank you both for your friendship and kind words and for helping me make this story better and for their never ending patience with me and my perpetually late chapters. The words that run together in the chapters are all on , and any other errors are mine.
> 
> Previously
> 
> What I heard made my heart stop and then begin to beat wildly. I was grateful for my relationship with my son, and I was content to be Bella's friend. Well as much of a friend as I could be. I didn't dare hope for any more than she'd already given me. I didn't deserve this much, but I would forever treasure it. But what I heard escape from her lips as she laid dreaming, offered up a ray of hope that I couldn't help but grab on to.

"Edward, please, Edward, don't leave me again."

I walked back over to where she was sleeping, placed another light kiss on her temple and whispered. "Never, my Bella, never again."

Another cry from Cam brought me back from my thoughts, and turned and made my way up to my son.

Chapter 16 –

I picked Cam up and held him tight as he cried. He was so young, so innocent, and yet, he still had to deal with what life had dealt. I had never felt so helpless in my life. I was supposed to protect my son, but I couldn't protect him from the realities of death. Just like no one could protect Bella or me.

I vowed right then to help Cam deal with this, and I would do my best to not allow Ben's death to consume Cam's every thought, the way my mother's death consumed mine. I allowed her death to take over my life. Everything I had ever done was related to that. My career choice, my life choices, all of them were made in some attempt to cope with my mother's death. Had someone recognized just how affected I was, maybe my life would be what it should have been.

"Daddy Edward," Cam said as he cried into the crook of my neck, "why did Daddy Benji have to die?"

"I wish I had the answer, Son," I whispered softly as I caressed his back, attempting to comfort him.

I sat on his bed and held my son as I slowly rocked him as he cried.

I'm not sure how long I was sitting there holding him, but his cries began to subside when he finally spoke. "Daddy Edward?" Cam said through is sniffles.

"Yes, Cam," I answered softly.

"Now I don't get to have two daddies." He began. "You have to promise me that you won't leave me too, Daddy Edward. I don't want to go back to not having a daddy again." I felt as if a sharp knife was plunged into my heart with those words.

"Cam, buddy, you won't ever get rid of me." I promised him. "I love you so much, and I promise to be the best daddy I can be for you."

"I love you too, Daddy."

It didn't escape my notice that for the first time, my son did not use my name. He called me daddy. My heart doubled in size in that moment.

I held Cam until his little body went limp in my arms, letting me know that he had fallen asleep. I didn't want to put him down, but I knew I knew I needed to check on Bella and see if Aunt Esme needed any help. I carefully tucked him in his bed and placed a soft kiss on his forehead before making my way back downstairs.

Bella was still sleeping, and I stood at the end of the sofa just watching her. She looked peaceful, like her entire world hadn't been turned end over end — again.

I fought the urge to brush the hair off of her forehead and then brush my lips across it. I wanted her to have peace, even if just in her sleep, so I went in search of Aunt Esme.

I found her in the kitchen, or at least, what I think was the kitchen. Every surface was covered: pots, pans, bowls, flour, utensils were strewn everywhere. Aunt Esme's hair was falling out of her normally well secured, if not severe, bun, and she appeared to be covered in flour. I watched as she maneuvered about, pulling even more utensils out cabinets and drawers in Bella's kitchen.

"What are you doing?" I asked with a glint of humor in my voice.

Aunt Esme whipped around to look at me, dropping the whisk she had just found in the drawer.

"Edward!" she gasped. "You scared the living daylights out of me!" She sounded a little breathless.

I chuckled. "Esme, you have totally destroyed this kitchen. Now, what are you doing?"

"Oh, my!" she exclaimed as she looked around at the disaster area that used to be Bella's kitchen. "I was so caught up in baking and trying to stay busy, I didn't realize I was making such a mess! Oh Edward, help me get this cleaned up some before Bella comes in here!"

"Relax, Bella's sleeping, and I'm sure she won't mind the kitchen being a little messy. Now, you never did tell me what you were making."

"Edward, really, I don't have a clue." She blushed. "I started making a chicken and noodle casserole because it's easy, and Cam loves it. Then I started thinking about Cam and decided to make him some cookies. When you're little, cookies make everything better…"

She was rambling and a mess, so I walked over to her, took the spoon out her hand, and wrapped my arms around her. She finally stopped rambling, and I could feel her body shake as she cried.

"Edward, I know this will hurt you, but Benji was perfect for those two, and it breaks my heart that they have to go through this."

"Aunt Esme, please, do not worry about me, here. I'm worried about them, too. Yes, I hate that that I ever gave him the chance to come in and live the life that should have been mine, but I have no one to blame but me. It's okay." I tried to reassure and soothe my aunt.

After a few moments, she composed herself, and we broke our hug. She was looking at me with sadness and a hint of regret reflected in her eyes when we heard a giggle from the doorway.

When I turned to look, the giggle turned to full-on belly laughing as Bella took in our appearances. Both of us were covered in flour from head to toe. Esme looked like she'd rolled in it, but I definitely was covered in it.

"Bella, I'm so sorry…" Esme began, but Bella cut her off.

"Esme, please do not apologize. I needed a good laugh, and this is definitely funny as hell!" Bella choked out between her laughs, and Aunt Esme was soon laughing right along with her.

I'm not sure I could have smiled wider if I tried. Seeing Bella happy, if even for a brief moment, warmed my heart and gave me hope that she would get through this. She amazed me with the strength she carried on her small frame.

Once the laughter died down, silence weighed heavy on the room. The smile in Bella's eyes faded, and the sadness slowly crept back in.

Aunt Esme was the one to break the awkwardness that was beginning to take over. "We'll, I guess if I'm going to make it home to Carlisle tonight, I better get moving to clean this mess up."

I didn't miss the tears forming in Bella's eyes, but Aunt Esme busied herself dusting flour off of the counters into a bowl.

I gave Bella a sympathetic look, and she just shook her head. I was sure she didn't want me to say anything since I was sure that Aunt Esme saying she had to get home to her husband was what caused the tears. Bella was all alone now. Bella quietly turned to leave the kitchen, and I debated for a moment, but then decided to follow her. She needed a friend, and I would be that for her.

She sat on the sofa and let the tears slowly fall down her cheeks. I sat down, placing my arm around her shoulders and pulling her to me. There was a slight hesitation, but it only lasted a moment before she leaned into me. I held her as she cried softly.

Aunt Esme popped her head in after about an hour to let Bella know she was leaving, but that she should call if she needed anything. Bella got up and gave her a long, tight hug. I stood so that I could say my goodbyes as well. I wasn't sure Bella would want me to stay without the buffer. I was sure Cam would have to get up soon, or she would never get him back to bed later, and I knew they needed time to grieve together. I knew that I would just be in the way.

"Thank you so much for being here, Esme. I can't tell you how much it means to me."

"Bella, there is no place I would rather be. You are my family, and you always will be, so thank you is not necessary."

They broke their embrace, and Aunt Esme turned to hug me. "You take care of them tonight, Edward," she whispered as I hugged her.

My body stiffened at her words. I didn't think Bella would appreciate my presence tonight, and I pulled back and looked at her like she'd lost her mind.

"Bella, honey?" Aunt Esme called to get her attention. I didn't realize she had returned to her place on the sofa.

"Yes, Esme?" Bella questioned.

"I just wanted to make sure someone is here with you tonight. I assumed Edward would stay to help with Cam, but I wanted to make sure you were comfortable with him before I left."

"I don't want to inconvenience him, Esme; Cam and I will be fine alone tonight." Bella said softly, not sounding like she meant it – at all.

"Bella, I won't leave you here alone…" Aunt Esme began but I cut her off.

"Bella, I promise you; it's not an inconvenience. If you are ok with it, I'd love to stay and help with Cam, and help you with whatever you need. I just don't want to make you uncomfortable."

"It's fine, Edward, you can stay, but I can handle this alone. Being alone is something I'm used to," she said sadly.

"Well, it's not something you have to be tonight," I stated firmly while mentally stating that she'd never have to be alone again, and I would do everything in my power to see that she wasn't.

"Fine. It's fine," She said distractedly. She was lost in her thoughts of Ben, I'm sure.

I walked Esme to the door, and before I could close it all the way, I heard the toilet flushing upstairs. Cam was up.

"Bella, Cam's awake, so I'm going to go get him and bring him down," I yelled towards the living room. I didn't hear a response.

Cam was walking down the hall towards me, his pillow clutched to his chest and his blanket dragging behind him. When he was right in front of me, I scooped him up and hugged him tightly.

"Let's go find your mom, Buddy, and I think Aunt Esme made cookies for you."

That earned a smile and nod from him. Aunt Esme was right: cookies do solve the world's problems when you're young.

We joined Bella in the living room, and I went to get Cam some of the cookies and a glass of milk. I decided to take the entire plate of cookies, the gallon jug and three glasses. I think we could all use a little cookie magic right now.

The rest of the evening was spent crying, laughing, and reminiscing about Benji. I was relieved when Cam didn't repeat his earlier realization that he wouldn't have two daddies anymore. I'm not sure Bella would have been able to handle that tonight. Her strength was astounding. She was obviously holding it together for Cam's sake, when I knew she just wanted to curl up and cry. It was a little after ten when Cam finally nodded off again. I offered to carry him up to bed, and Bella accepted but followed behind me so she could help tuck him in.

I couldn't help but fantasize about the life where this routine was normal. Where I'd carry him up to bed every night and then follow Bella into our bedroom and make love to her until we'd pass out from exhaustion. I must have been really lost in my thoughts because Bella's voice startled me.

"Edward, where did you go just then?"

I lied and said, "no where, I was just thinking about how lucky I am to be able to tuck Cam in tonight." Well, it wasn't a total lie.

After getting him under the covers and kissing his forehead, Bella and I made our way downstairs.

"You really don't have to stay, Edward. I'm not going to be much in the way of company tonight."

"I'm not here for the company, Bella." I started, but her chuckling at my statement had me shaking my head.

"Let me rephrase that. I'm not just here for the fabulous company, I'm here to help you with Cam and with whatever you need, and I have nowhere else to be. No, scratch that. There is no where else I'd rather be." I said with much more honesty than I should have.

"Thank you, Edward, I do appreciate it."

We sat silently for a while before Bella's tears started up again. This time she didn't hesitate to let me pull her in my arms. I held her tightly and rocked her back and forth, whispering how sorry I was. I let her assume that I was sorry about Ben, but I was sorry about so much more than that, and for once, I was allowed to tell her.

Her tears turned to anger as she began to ask why.

"Why? What did I do to deserve this? I don't understand, Edward!" She was shouting through her tears.

"I think I'm a good person! I'm a good friend! I've been told I'm a good lover! Was I not good enough to be somebody's wife?"

My head snapped up.

"Fuck, you walked out the door on me, and now Ben's gone!" She was shouting even louder now!

"What is it about me that makes everyone want to leave me!"

I grabbed on to her upper arms and pulled her to me. She had a wild look in her eyes and was fighting my hold on her.

"Bella, you look at me right now!" I demanded.

"You ARE a good person; do you hear me? You are a good friend and a wonderful lover, and you were the best wife anyone could have asked for!" I told her firmly. "Benji was lucky to have you, and I know he loved you and would have been proud to call you his wife."

"You didn't want me, Edward." Her voice had lost the edge in it.

"Bella, I never stopped wanting you." I told her with certainty. 'You have never been out of my thoughts, and I regret making the decisions I did. I will go to my grave loving you, Bella." I confessed.

I waited on her to respond to my ill-timed confession. She just stared at me for a moment, like I'd grown a second head, and before I could say anything else, her lips crashed into mine.

A/N

I have an ongoing family emergency, on top of the normal RL issues, and time has been limited to say the least. I promise, this will be completed, but if I'm absent for a bit, know that it's because I can't write. Also, I can post my BPOV from Katalina January 1… so hopefully that will give me time to get on a more normal schedule!


	17. Don't Speak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was my submission to Fandom for Katalina, a cause near and dear to my heart. I want to thank Fran and Sabrina, my wifey for all of your support and understanding when I can't get things done early or at all! I'm committed to this story!
> 
> Dedication:
> 
> To anyone who has ever battled cancer. Whether it invaded your body or the body of someone you love. It is a horrible disease that eats away all that is healthy, and I hope we are able to help find a cure. I have friends who have lost kids and some that are helping their kids fight a battle now. I have peers who have had breast cancer and bravely shaved their heads, showing cancer that it won't beat them. I am writing for Katalina and I am writing for my dad. My dad has inoperable cancer and chose to fight with Chemo. I've watched the Chemo beat the cancer down and take my dad with it. While he's still with us in body, he's no longer here in mind. To Katalina, I pray for you and your family. I pray you are able to see BD2 because I know that is your wish. I don't know you, but your request for this compilation told me just how wonderful and unselfish you are. Thank you for sharing your courage with us.
> 
> Tracy

Bella's Life from Photographs and Memories

I watched in horror as the man I loved more than my own life walked out of the restaurant. I sat motionless as his words sunk in. I had never heard such venom in his voice before. Sure, the timing wasn't perfect, but how could this be a bad thing? We had created this life growing inside of me in love. I rationalized that it was just the stress of all it and knew he'd soon be apologizing, begging for my forgiveness before morning, so I called Alice, his sister and my best friend.

To say Alice was livid with Edward would have been the understatement of the century. I was sure that he would be okay so I made her drive me home and didn't even let her wait with me. Edward and I would need time to talk about all of it, and Alice's being there would just complicate matters. Edward and I had been married ten years. Granted, I'd never seen him this angry or upset before, but we had weathered many a storm together. I wasn't worried at all.

The sun rose the next morning. The light streaming through the drapes burned my eyes. Eyes weary from tears and a sleepless night. Edward never came home. I spent the night calling his cell only to have it go to voice mail. At 4 am, I broke down and called Alice, thinking she might have heard from him. After all, she was living with my cousin, Jasper who also happened to be Edward's best friend. I was sure Edward needed his friend. By 4:20 am, Alice and Jasper were at my door.

Three days later, Edward called and told me, in no uncertain terms, that there was no room for me in his life any longer. I still thought he'd adjust given a little more time. I could no longer remember a time when he wasn't a part of my life. He and I always talked about having kids. I knew he wanted me to stay home with our kids, and I was more than okay with that. I also knew that until he finished his fellowship, money would be a little tighter than we'd always thought. I didn't need all the bells and whistles, I just needed Edward and our baby, and I knew he needed us. He just needed time.

Every day, my heart would break a little more. Alice and Jasper stopped letting me go home after I passed out in front of my classroom and ended up in the hospital for two days. I hadn't been eating or sleeping, and my body just shut down. That was a wake-up call for sure. I didn't want to hurt my unborn child, so I made sure I ate and slept; I had to, if only for the baby.

Christmas came and I thought, today is the day I'd hear from him. We always gave each small, meaningful gifts. My favorite was the coupon book he'd given me the first Christmas we were married, back when we didn't really have a pot to piss in. There were coupons good for massages, sex –like I needed a coupon for sex-, cleaning the kitchen and bathroom, little things that were meant to help me out. I loved the thoughtfulness of the gift and still had all of the cleaning coupons in my memory box. Somehow, whenever I tried to redeem one of those, he had a test or study group he had to get to. I couldn't help but smile at the memory of him grabbing his bag, muttering "oh hell, totally forgot, they're going to kill me". He's lucky I loved him enough to not mind cleaning the toilet. Let's face it, men can't aim.

The sun set on that Christmas along with every hope and dream I ever had.

Alice held me every night as I cried myself to sleep. I didn't understand what I had done that was so wrong. I knew I'd married up, but I had never been overly insecure with him. He had never given me reason to doubt his love for me, until now.

Four months later, I watched my husband sign away our marriage and any rights to visit our son.

I still couldn't believe he actually signed the papers that day. He wanted to process all of the paperwork through our attorneys, but I refused to let him walk away from us without looking me in the eyes. He could walk away from me, and he could walk away from our son; but I would not allow him to take the coward's way out. He would have to face me before he let us go for good, and I had a plan.

I had been to my OB/GYN the week before for my ultrasound. For the last six months, I wasn't living; I was just muddling through day by day. Alice had taken me to all the appointments and held my hand and wiped the tears that made a continual trek down my cheeks. When the nurse asked if we wanted to know the sex of our baby... apparently she thought we were a lesbian couple—Alice immediately said yes. The nurse pointed out the tiny penis on the screen and I cried even harder. I was having a son: Edward's son.

I knew that Edward would not be able to follow through with this mid-life crisis bull-shit or whatever it was if he knew I was carrying his son. Hell, he'd be joyous with a daughter as well, but he had not bonded with our child the way that I had yet. I'd read it wasn't uncommon for a man to be disconnected until they realized it was a little person growing inside of their mommy. So I hatched a plan. I called my attorney and asked for the custody papers and plan to include our baby's name. Cole Anthony Masen. Heck, he'd even get a kick out of it. He knew I was beyond hot for the character in Days of Thunder. Sure, Tom Cruise got a little wacky in his old age, but he definitely had his day.

I was waiting in the conference room when he walked in. He glanced over in my direction and said, "Let's get this done." His attorney gave him a pen, and he signed all of the papers without even reading them. Reality set in at that moment; he didn't care; he really didn't care. I watched my life walk out of the door without so much as a glance back in my direction. The next thing I remember was waking up on the couch with Edward's Uncle Carlisle standing over me.

They all tried to talk me into going to the hospital to get checked out, but I refused. I didn't say goodbye; I just walked out of the office, got in my car and drove home. Once I was in the front door, I sank to floor, crying. My marriage was over. I began second guessing everything in my life. Did he ever love me? Was I just convenient? Did he just keep me around to have someone during the tough times in our lives?

God knows it wasn't easy. We defied everyone when we got married. While all of our friends were enjoying the freedom that college offered, we were hard at work building a life. We focused on school and each other. Occasionally, we would fight; usually over stupid things like whose turn it was to do the dishes. Sometimes they were a little more heated, like if I went out with friends and came home later than I said I would be home, usually drunk. His course load was tougher than mine. Not saying mine was easy because it wasn't, but he definitely had a tougher time with all the upper level math and science courses. Money wasn't a problem for Edward, but I hated not contributing more. I got a part-time job and he hated it. But in spite of all of the tough times, we loved each other and fought harder for each other, than we ever did against each other.

I didn't leave the house for a week, and once again, Alice intervened. She threatened to make me move in with her permanently if I didn't get my act together and protect my son. My sweet Cam as we'd taken to calling him.

I put on a mask that had everyone fooled. I went to work; I met people for dinner;I answered the phone. I even smiled for people when the occasion called for it. I was healing, or so everyone believed. Every night I would go home and cry. I tried bargaining with God. I told him if he would bring my Edward back, I'd go to church more. I think I even offered my soul to Satan for another day with Edward. "Just one more," I begged. I can tell you this without any hesitation: time marches on, but it certainly doesn't heal all wounds.

On June 19, 2007, Cole Anthony Masen-Swan came into my life. I was hesitant to take too many of the pain killers they were offering, and definitely didn't want the epidural if it was close. At ten pm, the doctor assured me that I still had hours to go, so I agreed to the epidural. I regretted getting it because at least the pain of labor didn't allow me to think of the pain and emptiness of my life. I was trying to keep my spirits up for everyone that was there. Alice would have kicked my ass if I let Edward invade my thoughts today. But how could he not? His birthday was in two hours, and now every year, I'd be forced to celebrate our son's birth on the day Edward was born, even though he would be totally unaware. Cam entered the world just thirty minutes shy of Edward's birthday. I think he did it for me because he knewI'd never survive if he shared his father's birthday.

Cam's arrival in my life was a blessing and a curse. Instead of just going through the motions, I was forced to really live, for the first time in more than a year. Holding him in my arms was the best feeling of my entire life. Watching him suckle my breast, knowing that he depended on me, gave be a sense of peace I hadn't felt since Edward walked out of the restaurant. I was needed, and I felt I loved again. Even more, I felt deserving of love.

I didn't go back to work that fall, opting to spend more time with my son. He was growing so fast, and I didn't want to miss anything. There were days I considered taking my lawyer's advice and suing Edward for child support; being able to stay home with Cam for more than a few months would have been nice. But when I thought about having to deal with Edward's rejection again, I decided working was the lesser of the evils. As a teacher, I would have more time with my son than a lot of single mothers do, so I would be grateful for I got.

Our first Christmas was bittersweet. Everyone came to Seattle, including Edward Senior. I tried to cut him out of our lives, but he wouldn't let me. While it hurt, Ed was not to blame for his son's actions, and he'd been as much a father to me as my own.

One of my favorite activities with Cam was one I began when he was four months old. I started taking him for walks in the park every day. He enjoyed watching the kids on the playground and I enjoyed talking with other mothers. Even in January, there were parents and kids in the park, and I never missed a walk. None of my friends had kids, so having a group to talk to who understood what I was going through with Cam was important. When I expressed my concern over a recent runny nose, slight fever and general crankiness, it was one of the mothers in the park that pointed out his red gums and told me he was just cutting his first tooth.

It was one of those milestones I wanted to share, so I made my way home, eager to call Alice, Ed and my dad. Cam was asleep when we got home, so I took him up to his room and laid him in his crib. I grabbed the baby monitor and went back down to call my dad. When I got to the bottom of the stairs, I almost fell over the stroller, so I put the monitor down, folded up the stroller and put it in the hall closet. It had been a really good day, and I was anxious to call my dad, so when the closet door wouldn't close, I tried forcing it but had to pull the stroller back out to see what was blocking it.

I found the box I had put there more than a year before. Trying to force the stroller in the closet had caused the lid to come off and lying on top was our wedding picture. The tears came without my permission. The memories of our life together invaded my mind, and I sank to floor. I pulled the box from the closet and began to go through it.

I thought I was healing. I thought that Cam was enough to make me whole again. Cam was everything, and I loved him with every ounce of my being; but in that moment, I wanted Edward. I wanted to share these milestones with him. I wanted his touch; I wanted his love. I wanted to remember what it felt like to be a woman, his woman.

I started screaming. "I want my fucking life back. God, what did I do to deserve this?"

When the screaming didn't feel like enough, I started throwing the pictures. Glass from the frames ones shattered around me. I screamed again. "Why, God, Why?"

It still didn't feel like enough, I wanted it all gone, all the memories, so I started ripping remaining pictures.

The picture from the day we got married was the first to go. I tore and tore and tore picture after picture after picture, but nothing I did would take the pain away. Nothing I ever did would take the pain away. Cam would leave me like Edward did. If I wasn't enough to hold him; how would I be enough to hold his son? What did I do to deserve this?

I was still crying and screaming when I felt arms around me. I was still crying and screaming when she whispered it would be okay. I was still crying and screaming when Jasper carried me out of the house. And I didn't stop for two days. For those two days I mourned the loss of my life, once again. And for those two days, I didn't hold my precious son as I was so lost in grief over the life I wanted and would never have.

When I woke up on the third day, Alice handed me my son and told me I was going home to Forks and to my dad.I didn't even try to argue with her. I had to admit that I was no good to my son right now, and I desperately needed my family and friends.

The truth was...I needed all of them.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for taking time to read this. I do ask that you let me know what you think. No promises of quicker updates, no extra chapters for doing it. Just he knowledge of the joy I feel when someone takes a minute to let me know what they think!


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